MY GREATEST FEAR HAS ME CRIPPLED

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It’s been so long since my last post. 92 days to be exact and the longest time since I first started this site. While I wish I could blame it on writer’s block, this is certainly not the case – I’ve had so much that I’ve wanted to share with you. On the surface I blame my job for my lack of writing as it consumes so much of my time and energy but this isn’t the cause either. What I’ve come to realise is much deeper than effort or inspiration, it is something that has affected me throughout my life and permeates all facets of my being. What I’m referring to is vulnerability and the repercussions of not giving into it.

Vulnerability is the ability to put yourself out there, wholeheartedly, in the scary big world, for all to see, and without control of the outcome. It’s the strength to forfeit expectations and honestly live in the moment. I’m certainly not the first to discuss this topic, researcher Brené Brown does a far more eloquent job at explaining the concept in this widely watched Ted Talk, but this is the first time that I’ve realised how debilitating the fear of vulnerability can be.

But first, how does this impact on writing? Well, my writing can almost be seen as a metaphor for my life. When I write I ruminate over every word and every sentence, making sure the end product is perfect. If I don’t think that the final product is perfect, particularly in the eyes of others, then I won’t push publish on WordPress. If only you could see the unfinished posts that are sitting in my drafts. This translates into the real world too. I can’t start a project or move towards a goal until I know that everything is in faultless alignment. Such obsession with perfection is evident in my personality traits whereby I do my best to portray the well put together image of someone who has their life together, who is successful, confident, unfazed by other’s opinions and certain of his future. How far from the truth the reality. Like a vicious circle this in turn influences my writing because a post about how I’m afraid of vulnerability will shatter the illusion that I’ve worked so hard to create. Herein lies the power of this particular article.

I work in the communications industry, a profession where my day-to-day task is to control ‘messages’ that brands want their customers to receive. I’m great at my job and skilled at creating the right perception for my clients amongst the public, probably because I’m so good at doing it for myself. Using these same skills, I have crafted a life that avoids vulnerability at all costs. I’ll dismiss people before I’ve had a chance to properly meet them to avoid them doing the same to me first. I’ll do the same to guys I find attractive. I’ll create stories about how I shouldn’t approach them because they’re probably stupid or an asshole and I’m better than that anyway when in actuality it’s fear of rejection which in turn is avoidance of vulnerability. I’l be loud and boisterous amongst people who I don’t find intimidating but when I’m in a crowd of people I deem ‘superior’ in popularity or status I’ll purposely ostracise myself. As I’ve become more aware of this concept of vulnerability I’ve also become more aware of how it affects others, particularly gay guys. Have you ever noticed how some gay men love to tear each other down? How they’ll look at someone else’s success or someone else’s relationship and pick at all the flaws? “Oh he makes a lot of money but I bet his boyfriend is cheating on him”. Why do we do this? Because we’re jealous and too afraid to admit that we feel less successful in comparison or worse, that we fee we are not worthy of being loved.

This particular post is a personal first step towards vulnerability, a step closer to honesty and wholehearted living. I want to share more with you, dear reader, in the hope that we can overcome our shame together. You see, shame is a component of vulnerability. Avoiding vulnerability is a protective mechanism against exposing one’s shame. If I’m not open then you can’t see the darkness inside of me. Both Brown and Alan Downs, author of The Velvet Rage have explored this concept of shame. Downs looks at shame particularly in the gay context and how it affects ours lives. Personally I think you need not even open a book to understand the by-product of shame in the gay community. In my opinion, many mainstream gay mega parties are a perfect example of shame avoidance. These gatherings are a coming together of men who are hiding from their shame (either consciously or subconsciously). They mask their vulnerability behind hard bodies of muscle and supress their emotions through excessive drug taking and sex. In my eyes, the act of taking off of one’s shirt in this environment or similarly in a gay club is an overt expression of vulnerability avoidance. The act says, ‘don’t try know me for me but judge me only on what you can see of me on the surface’. Of course I am generalising and I’m sure I’ll be accused of stereotyping or internalised homophobia but I only offer these observations and musings as my own opinion. Whether or not you agree with me or Downs or Brown is not the point, the point is that we are open enough with ourselves and each other to discuss our shortcomings. That is what vulnerability is truly about.

I hope that I can continue to write stories and post articles that you find thought provoking. Perhaps some will be inspiring, while others purely entertaining. You may agree with what I say or my words may have no resonance. Either way my intention is to be more open so that you and I can share strength and embrace vulnerability together.

Image by Giuseppe Attanasio 

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15 thoughts on “MY GREATEST FEAR HAS ME CRIPPLED

  1. Darby Jones says:

    I don’t think I have ever related to a post more than this one! Amazing.

  2. Damo says:

    Great article! This is something that resonates so much with me at this point and time in my life! Thanks!

  3. I was deeply moved while reading this. I couldn’t believe the ease it seemed you wrote with. I know that it was a difficult matter to explore with the rest of us, and I really felt as you were in my soul. I have struggled with this all my life. I’m now 43 and the way I deal with it, is to almost become a loner. After a 15 year relationship ended I have become a recluse. i have limited myself to only 3 people to have a daily visit with. i do get on Facebook, but mostly with what people have posted, or gay sights. so thank you for your blog and i hope you continue to wright. if you were to print o book I would read every word, that’s how well i think you wright. thanks, Presley Scott

    • themoderngay says:

      Thank you so much for your kind words. I hope that my words can help you even just a little bit so maybe you can find the power to get back out there. I would love to write a book one day! Sending you positive vibes JVS

  4. Darren Burn says:

    I have just finished the Velvet Rage myself – what a stunning book and so having this drop into my inbox this morning was extremely welcome. I really hope all gay men read this and the book as it would revolutionise the tragic shameful world most of us live in.

  5. darrenburn says:

    I have just finished the Velvet Rage myself – what a stunning book and so having this drop into my inbox this morning was extremely welcome. I really hope all gay men read this and the book as it would revolutionise the tragic shameful world most of us live in.

  6. finnwest2015 says:

    Embracing vulnerability together! Well said.
    Love this post and welcome back. I have missed you.
    Finn

  7. josrose says:

    Only began reading this blog recently and I am addicted. Even went back to read everything you have ever posted, spent a whole afternoon on it. \xoxoxo

  8. will says:

    Hi Josh,

    Just wanted to let you know how much I enjoyed reading this post (and all of them).

    Vulnerability, perfectionism, masking the shame and guilt – these are all issues that I feel we experience at different times in our lives. Perhaps part of our struggle (don’t like using that word, but it’s the most pertinent for now), is that we feel an incredible need to be better than/do better than everyone else. We do this in order to be accepted, and to overcome the stigma of being different.

    Being a little older (in my 40s), I still haven’t resolved whether I’m a perfectionist because it’s an innate part of my personality, or rather am I trying to outdo others, to mask the shame and guilt of not being like everyone else? Not 100% sure what the answer is, though it’s good to keep asking the questions and seeking the answers.

    I really enjoy your writing style, and always look forward to reading your posts – even if they are 90 days or so between each one.

    Personally, I would prefer that you do take your time and labour over each word and paragraph – it shows that you’ve taken the time and effort to produce good work, and the finished product will have been worth the wait.

    Kind regards, Will.

  9. Rich L says:

    Phenomenal post…personally been working on this myself and you’ve articulated it beautifully here. Thanks for that and keep posting!

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