I’m terrified of being single but it’s not for the reasons that you may think. I’m not afraid of becoming the gay caricature of the old lady, surrounded by her cats, mainly because I’m allergic to cats but also because I’m not one to think too far into the future. It’s not that I’m afraid that my soulmate is not out there (although it’s taking him a bloody long time to materialise if he is) but rather that I may be enjoying my own company too much in the meantime. You see, my biggest fear is not that I won’t find a partner or my soulmate but that I’ll be just as happy if I don’t.
I’ve noticed how some of my friends always seem to jump from relationship to relationship, easily finding a new partner with whom they become instantly infatuated. I on the other hand find it particularly difficult to forge such relationships. While some people need the security that a relationships brings to their life, I’m content being alone. I refer to myself as a ‘social loner’ – a person who enjoys socialising, spending time with friends and making news friends but who is just as happy, perhaps even happier, being alone. As I become older and engrained in my routines and habits, which have rarely had to accommodate someone else, I worry that it may become difficult for me to adapt if and when a serious someone comes into my life. Will my morning, perfectly-timed schedule be interrupted by someone else’s schedule? What if I don’t feel like talking after a long day at work? Or going out with his friends? Or being in someone else’s company? What if I want to be alone?
Although it may sound arrogant, most of the time I can provide for myself everything that I need to be happy. As such, there hasn’t been a real drive to find a partner and therefore I don’t think I have made a particular effort to look. From friends, to work, to spirituality and community, I have created for myself the things that I need to keep me satisfied. What about sex you ask? Well I can find that too, although I’ve learnt from experience that sometimes it’s easier and less complicated to satisfy one’s self in this department. It all stems from my belief that we are whole as we are and that there is no need to wait to find our ‘other half’ before we can feel wholeness. This is one of the most dangerous myths of our time, that we need someone else to save us or we will never be saved. As homosexuality has become more accepted we have adopted the dangerous heterosexual ideology that to be truly happy we need to find a monogamous partner that will be with us happily ever after. What if we never find that partner though? Does that mean we cannot live happy and fulfilling lives? While I think it’s beautiful to be in a loving relationship and I certainly wouldn’t mind it for myself, I don’t think we need to be miserable in the meantime.
My Facebook newsfeed is often full of gay guys lamenting themselves for being single or congratulating each other when their relationship status changes. I’ve always been confused by the latter as if being in a relationship is some sort of achievement that needs to be acknowledged. I think that this comes out of the fear of loneliness which is particularly strong amongst gay men as we have often felt ostracised because of our sexuality. Perhaps this explains why so many of us are desperate to be in a relationship? It could also explain why there is a constant need for many gay men to broadcast their relationships to the world? The over-the-top uploads and updates might just be a desperate way for us to show the world and each other that we are loved and wanted. Or perhaps it may be because we do indeed love that person so much that we want to shout it from the rooftops. The cynic in me says that it’s the former.
Why listen to me though? All of this is just the rambling of someone who has never been in a serious relationship. Sure I have had flings and dated lots of men and even been in what some might consider the early stages of a relationships but still none of these have been worth the Facebook update. Now that I am older and more aware of the passage of time, I’m worried not about being alone forever but rather that I’ll be just as happy if I were.
Maybe I should buy a cat just in case…
Image by Malc Stone
THE MODERN GAY GUIDE TO LIFE 
Love is a drug. That’s why. It’s both wonderful and horrible at the same time.
To be honest I think I wrote this article 🙂 Or you know me through and through – where are you in the world – if in Sydney – happy to take you out to dinner 🙂 I could be that soul mate, have been single now for about 6yrs and life is great haha
relationship is the only subject that does not make you better when you engage in more of it… in fact… the more relationships u have been in, the more you are likely to compare, why is he so different from John, does he chew like matthew? etc… the relentless comparison will end up making you a person with unreasonable expectations…
perhaps you have not open yourself up enough to meet people who are more like yourself… there are a lot of people out there who are providing very well from themselves, have a lucrative career and think like you… i for one could not agree more with the point when people break my schedule… i enjoy my bliss when i finish work, and home to my wonderful 2000 sq ft condo, with no one in sight, a glass of wine, my vintage jazz records playing on my antique record player… however, i have met someone who knows me well enough and not disrupt my life n the way i do things but instead, complements my lifestyle and enjoy the things we like to do “together”… think of it as an upgrade, and not changing an OS platform… if it is “right” it should not be so “difficult” right?
Beautifully written and I agree 100%. I have been single for over 12 years and do not regret it or neither hate it. I am very happy and don’t waste my time feeling sorry for myself or looking for Mr Complete! Nope, I am complete just as I am! Thank you very much
This article was me through and through… I have been single now for almost eleven years. When I was 21, I met this guy who I thought would be the love of my life. He was in relationship when we met and I respected that so I would never accept his invites to hookup. He eventually moved to another state after him and his lover broke up and we lost touch with one another. When I was 24 about to turn 25 my best friend saw him in a club in Memphis and to fast forward we started dating and I eventually moved to Memphis. All was good for three years and then he cheated and I was devastated. I moved out and met someone else and he was murdered six months later… All of these things actually made me and my ex become the best of friends.. Now I want a relationship as I approach 40 this summer, but a part of me is still in love with my ex and I need to just let it go….
Such beautiful and at the same time a sad story, hope you will find someone who will truly love you for who you are. From brazil with love.
I will always have hope, no matter what, some people say that we are here for a reason and I truely believe it, I know that it is being so hard to find someone to fulfill my needs and be with me forever, maybe that is what I am doing wrong, trying to fix someone to my own terms. I learned I now I want to reset my life with a new mind, intended to create a new path full of joy and hope.
My whole life always was filled with anger and hatred and I realized that it was to heavy to bear, and now I stick with love cause it is soft and beautiful and I can take it with me, where ever I go.
Very interesting post! One that very easily could have been written by me, who by the way is a heterosexual female! I too look at many of my friends who jump from one relationship to another because they too feel they are nothing unless they are with “someone”. Me, I prefer to be with the “right” someone though like you it is taking many, many years to meet him…if he is even out there. We, human beings, are all so very much alike that I fail to understand why we should differentiate between gay and straight. Again your post is me almost 100%. The only difference? I absolutely will not get a cat!
I couldn’t have said it better…either you’re spying on me or we’re exactly the same.
LOL…no not spying. But yes you see a young gay guy and and old straight lady can be pretty darn similar. Which is sort of why i have always wondered why the heck there are so many damn labels on people! and hey good luck to you.
LOL…no not spying. But yes you see a young gay guy and and old straight lady can be pretty darn similar. Which is sort of why i have always wondered why the heck there are so many damn labels on people! and hey good luck to you.
Thank you so much for this post, it is exactly where my mindset is at, at the current moment! Wow, could not have said it better myself. I can definitely say that being independent and comfortable as a “social loner” is unique in many ways. Most people, from what I’ve seen, need to be surrounded by other people at all times, whether they are friends or the other person they are in a relationship with..
I was, and am maybe still convinced, that finding Mr. Right is an idealized concept that may never present itself in that way. To clarify what I mean, recently I have been going on numerous dates to simply have fun and find out who is out there in the world and he may be right in front of me..but with all these dates and men, none of them fit my idealized “soulmate” perfectly, and there is always some room for compromise to find out who people truly are, embracing their differences from ourselves. Like yourself, most of my connections have been short and never progressing to the stage of an actual relationship. As much as I would adore being in a relationship, part of me feels like it’s best to enjoy my “me” time and spend time on dates every now and then, to learn things about myself.