Tag Archives: gay life

Oct 10 2013
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SOCIAL

THE MODERN GAY MAN ABOUT TOWN: GUESS ISLAND

Shirtless Waiters Modern Gay Party Guess

The Modern Gay was invited by Guess to attend their annual summer party and launch of the label’s summer collection. Held on Sydney harbour, guests were transported by boat to the Guess Island where shirtless male waiters served tropical inspired cocktails and a troupe of 22 Polynesian fire dancers and drummers provided unique entertainment. Did I mention that there were shirtless waiters serving drinks? This Modern Gay Man enjoyed his fair share of cocktails, ensuring that a continuous flow of handsome waiters were kept in close proximity.

The party continued with old school tunes thanks to The Faders  who kept the harbour rocking long after the sun had set. On the The Modern Gay Evaluation Scale this party scored 4.5 rainbows out of 5, in part due to the shirtless waiters but mainly thanks to the mix of good weather, friendly people, tasty drinks and a sexy brand.

To check out Guess’ latest collection click here.

Shirtless Waiters Modern Gay Party Guess Boy

Shirtless Waiters Modern Gay Party Guess Jay Lyon

Shirtless Waiters Modern Gay Party Guess

Modern Gay Party Shirtless Boys Guess SydneyShirtless Waiters Modern Gay Party GuessShirtless Waiters Modern Gay Party Guess

Images by Life Without Andy

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Sep 18 2013
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RULES

RULE NO. 23: YOUR PARENTS DID THE BEST THEY COULD

Bernard Fouquet Modern Gay

When I was 14 my dad took me on a father and son snowboarding trip. The drive from my home to the mountains was over 7 hours and during that time our conversations touched on various topics. I had always had a great relationship with my parents and talked openly with my dad about sex, his sexual experiences and girls. We had never spoken about homosexuality; until that point I hadn’t considered that I might be gay. A few months before my 14th birthday I had started thinking about boys and an older kid at my school had asked me if I was gay. Not knowing what any of this really meant I decided to broach the topic with my dad during our extended car trip. I loved asking my dad questions about sex and dating and being a reformed playboy, he had a lot of tantalising stories to share.

“Dad, how do I know if I’m gay?” I curiously asked. Taken aback, he answered with a very involved and convoluted explanation, using analogies and metaphors that were somewhat confusing for a 14 year old to decipher. He finished his explanation with the statement “although I’ll be disappointed if you’re gay, I will always love and support you”.

I realised two things from our conversation 1. by my fathers explanation and reasoning, I was definitely not gay and 2. that if I ever was to be gay then I would be a disappointment to my father. The latter realisation was particularly troubling as I had always been taught that family was the most important thing and therefore disappointing the family was for me, an unimaginable act of disrespect.

Looking back on that formative conversation I’ve realised that my father was simply handling the situation in the best manner that he knew how. While his explanation would have been understood much better had he just said that being gay meant that a boy liked a boy in the same way that other boys likes girls, he was obviously trying to protect to me.

Although I’m fortunate to have parents who now support and love me regardless of my sexuality, I understand that other people have had much more trying experiences with their families. Whether your parents have dealt well with your coming out or have responded negatively, it’s important to understand that their response is based on their own experiences and their own capability to deal with the situation. Their opinions and values may be based on religious or cultural beliefs or they may not understand what it means to be gay. Whatever their response, one must realise that we cannot change the perspectives of others. What we can do is try empathise with them and see things from their perspective in the hope that they will learn to empathise with us too.

The thought of disappointing  my parents prevented me from coming out to them for much longer than I would have anticipated. When I realised what that disappointment actually meant, I found the confidence to finally tell them. They weren’t disappointed in me as a person, they were disappointed that the life that they had imagined for me wasn’t going to be, and that was OK. They were entitled to that disappointment and even then, those feelings were dealt with and forgotten faster than I anticipated. Once we come out, no matter how our family responds, we must give them space to come to terms with the situation. This may take days, months or even years.

Often I wondered, to the point of resentment why my parents had never asked me if I was gay. It would have been so much easier had they just approached me at 15 and asked me the question rather than waiting for me to come out. This resentment was intensified one evening at a restaurant when my dad pointed out to me a table of good looking men who were clearly gay and jokingly said “there’s some boys for you”. I responded with “if your gaydar is so good then how come you never asked me if I was gay”? to which he responded that he had always known but wasn’t sure how to approach the topic without upsetting me.

Obviously the past cannot be undone but I now see that my parents dealt with the situation the best way that they knew how and with that realisation comes a sense of peace.

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Sep 13 2013
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RULES

RULE NO.22: THERE ARE TOO MANY BOYS

 Abercrombie Modern Gay Dating

It’s hard to find “the one” when there are so many choices.

There’s a marketing theory that suggests that when we’re given too many choices we experience anxiety and buyers regret. This is called the “Paradox of Choice” whereby more choices leads to less happiness. One would think that the opposite is true, that the more choices we have the happier we will feel but this is not the case.

Lets look at an example. You’re in a restaurant with a friend and there is a huge selection of dishes on the menu. You see many different options that look appealing and finally after much deliberation you make your selection. Your friend chooses the schnitzel while you choose the steak. When your food arrives you instantly feel that you may have made the wrong decision. You look around at all the other tables and see the variation of delicious meals being consumed by patrons seemingly more happy than yourself and  you regret your decision. As you bight into your steak, you wonder “what would life be like if I was eating schnitzel?”.

This theory is ever present in the modern world of gay dating. Through the power of Facebook, Instagram and Tumblr we are exposed to images of thousands of gorgeous men from all over the globe. From the beaches of Brazil to the clubs of Tel Aviv, the internet has created a virtual gay community comprising of men that we never would have known without physically visiting those cities. While its fun to perve on these guys from your phone or computer it has created the “the anxiety of choice” conundrum – more options equals higher regret. Being aware of all these men who appear to be better looking and having more fun than the men in our immediate communities has created this anxiety of choice.  The most troubling thing about this anxiety is that the choice is not real. In a restaurant you can choose your meal from a finite selection and that choice will be served to you. In the online world, chances are that you’ll never meet those men about who you fantasise and yet you compare your attainable options to those which are infinite and unattainable. You might even be waiting for Mr Right who’ll hopefully appear in the form of some American adonis with gorgeous friends or worse still, you might be in a relationship treading water, until something better comes along. Having too many choices, whether they be real or imagined is affecting the way we date.

Couple this with apps likes Grindr and Scruff and you have a selection of 200 men at your fingertips. These apps are supposed to help you find potential mates in your immediate area but when there are so many options, how do you know that you’re going to make the right choice? If you’re like me then you probably keep pressing ‘refresh’ hoping that someone even more exciting than the last will magically appear.

This technologically advanced world has brought the universe to our fingertips and created digital communities which have helped countless gay men seek advice, solace and information but it has also given us too many choices.  In this restaurant of life, with its countless dishes and delicious choices, I wonder if we’ll always keep looking around at what everyone else is eating and never be satisfied with whats on our own plates.

The Modern Gay Guide to Life is a finalist in the 2013 Blogster Awards. Please follow the below link and click the Facebook “Like” underneath the About section to help us win.

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Sep 03 2013
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PERSPECTIVE

MODERN GAY PERSPECTIVE: RUSSIA

Putin Gay Russia Politics

“The most certain test by which we judge whether a country is really free is the amount of security enjoyed by minorities”

Lord (John Emerich Edward Dalberg) Acton, The History of Freedom in Antiquity, 1877

This post is not a political critique (although the above image would suggest otherwise) nor is it a call to boycott Russian products. Both those things have been addressed by people more powerful and smarter than myself. The purpose of this post is simply to draw attention to the good fortune that many of us take for granted. While our gay brothers and sisters in Russia have their rights stripped away, we in America, Australia, Canada, the UK and countless other countries have the freedom and security to demand even more rights. We take to the streets in large numbers, rainbow flags held high without the fear that we’ll be beaten by our own police or tortured by our fellow citizens. Our governments allow us the freedom to fight for equality even if they’re slow to respond. This isn’t the case for everyone.

While it may sometimes seem impossible to change the world, we do have the power to change how we personally view the world. Let the situation in Russia allow you to see the blessings in your own life. When you look at the bigger picture, the little things that seem to worry you the most fade into insignifcance. Money, cars, clothes, gym, parties, holidays – these things don’t matter to someone whose basic human rights are in jeopardy. Next time you’re at a gay venue, with your gay friends or holding hands with your boyfriend, take a moment to realise that those simple actions aren’t afforded to all men.

We also forget that the privileges and rights that we take for granted are often awarded to us by factors completely out of our control. I’ve often struggled with my life circumstances. I was born a healthy (white) baby into a well-off family, given the best education, had all my needs met, within a society that allowed me to express myself and I had absolutely no say in the process. Why’s that a struggle? I could have just as easily been born into poverty and ended up as one of the almost 1 billion starving people in the world, fighting to survive each day. By fate, or God’s will or the universe’s intention I was dealt the luckiest hand of cards before I even began playing the game of life.

It sometimes take external events like the current situation in Russia to make us realise the blessings we have in our own lives. Take a moment to reflect on what’s really important and perhaps you’ll realise that you are a lot more fortunate than you think.

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Aug 26 2013
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RULES

RULE NO.21: YOU’RE NEVER FULLY OUT OF THE CLOSET

Gay Men Coming Out

If you thought that coming was a one time event, you were wrong. We are consistently required to enter and exit the metaphorical closet.

Two recent events reminded me that when it comes to letting the world know that you’re gay, you’re never truly “out”. The first incident was during a university lecture on E-Commerce. The lecturer was discussing self published websites and asked for all those in the audience who had their own blog to raise their hands. A small number of people responded including myself.  The lecturer managed to lock eyes with me even though I was seated in the far back.

“Tell us about your blog” he instructed.  Now, I’m sure avid readers have realised from previous posts that I’m very open about my sexuality but when it came to describing the nature of my “gay blog” to 200 complete strangers, I was reluctant.

“It’s about being a 20-something in the modern world” I sheepishly replied.  At the time, I didn’t feel that it was appropriate for me to come out to a theatre full of people that I didn’t know so I omitted the most important characteristic of my blog so as not to reveal my sexuality.

The second incident was one that occurs on a recurring basis. I was seated next to an older gentleman at a work dinner a few months ago. Our conversation was brilliant as we transversed topics such as sports, politics and food. It was sometime during dessert when he brought up the topic of marriage and how his daughter (who just so happens to be in my E-Commerce class) was recently engaged to her long-time boyfriend. “Have you got a wife or a girlfriend?” he questioned.

“I’m single” I responded.

“What do you think about marriage” he asked, “is it on the cards in the future?”.

At that moment I could have easily begun my political rant about gay marriage and how although I would like to be married one day, as a gay man it is currently illegal in Australia. But I didn’t. Again, I did not feel that the situation called for my coming out.

“One day, I hope” I said and proceeded to change the topic back to a more neutral category.

Gay men face situations like these on a daily basis whether it be at university, family functions, starting a new job, making new friends or any moment when you’re introduced to someone unfamiliar. Society continues to presume that we all subscribe to the heteronormative  roles that we’ve been unwittingly assigned and chances are that these views aren’t going to change drastically anytime soon. This means that we will constantly be placed in situations where we will need to choose how much of ourselves we reveal to others.

Sexuality is a private matter and I don’t believe it’s always necessary or even appropriate to reveal to everyone you meet that you are gay. Although I believe that gay pride is crucial to ensuring self-esteem, it’s important to realise that not every situation calls for a dramatic Jack McFarland entrance. Of course we must speak-up if we witness homophobic behaviour in our immediate environment and I believe that this particular situation calls for a degree of bravery that we may be unprepared for.  Generally speaking though we should feel comfortable with whom we decide to share our sexual identity before we reveal ourselves.

While I honestly believe that we should always be true to ourselves, we must be prepared that our coming out did not end after we took those first steps out of the closet and it is our ongoing decision who we tell that we’re gay and who we don’t.

Image by Kwannam Chu

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Aug 23 2013
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STYLE

MEN OF DISTINCTION: JAMES FRANCO

James Franco Kiss Gay

He’s been called Hollywood’s gayest straight man but I prefer to refer to him as  “James Franco – my future husband”. No other straight actor in my opinion has been brave enough to take on the style of roles that have defined James Franco’s career. From Milk to indie-film Interior.Leather Bar., Franco has exceeded the necessary quota of one gay film required by straight actors to be considered for an Oscar nomination. This has led to persistent rumours about his sexuality.

When asked by Entertainment Weekly why he’s drawn to gay roles, Franco responded “Part of what I’m interested in is how these people who were living anti-normative lifestyles contended with opposition. Or, you know what, maybe I’m just gay.”

Born April 19, 1978 in Palo Alto, California Franco’s big break came when he was cast in the short-lived cult classic TV show Freaks and Geeks. In 2001 Franco played the role of James Dean in a television biographical film for which he received a Golden Globe Award and in 2010 starred in 127 Hours for which he was nominated for an Academy Award. Beyond acting, Franco is a published author, PhD candidate at Yale, teacher at UCLA, all-round mega babe, who’s appeared in drag and is open about his love of masturbation and weed.

At just over a minute in length, the below video is perhaps James Franco’s finest work (and it’s much hotter than any other porno featuring straight guy-on-guy action).

James Franco Modern Gay Drag James Franco Modern Gay James Franco Naked Toilet James Franco Hot

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Aug 18 2013
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RULES

RULE NO. 20: YOU ARE BRAVER THAN YOU THINK

Jean-Francois-Carly

Nobody said that being gay is easy. You are constantly confronted by people who tell you that what you are doing is wrong, sinful, immoral and disgusting. You may have faced rejection from people important to you and all because of something that you had no control over. And yet you are still here.

You are much braver than you think.

Before you’ve even had the chance to “come out” you had to confront those daunting feelings inside of yourself.  The feelings of confusion, isolation and shame. You had to ask yourself “Am I normal?”. That took a lot of bravery.  As you grew older you may have been picked-on or bullied because other kids could tell that you were different.  It took inner strength to shield yourself from the taunting and to recover from the physical abuse.

Once you decided to share your feelings with another person you had to find the coverage to expose yourself, to be absolutely vulnerable without certainty of how they would react. That took courage that heterosexual people will never understand.  You then had to deal with the consequences of your coming out. This may have meant rejection from family, losing friends or being shunned by your community. That too, called for immense inner courage. And all the while you had to forge your own path with little empathy, guidance or direction from anyone else.

With all of the other crap that you have to deal, it’s important that you pause for a moment and realise the bravery and courage that you possess to have made it to this point. You are much braver than you think.

Image by: Jean-Francois Carly

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Aug 09 2013
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RULES

RULE NO. 19: DON’T WORSHIP FALSE IDOLS

TOM FORD STEVEN KLEIN GAY VALLEY OF DOLLS

We are surrounded by false idols who we unwittingly worship but at what cost?

False idols give us nothing in return for the attention and praise that we give them. They present themselves to the world and tell us that they must be worshipped without considering what they really have to offer or what their followers really want. False idols do not engage with their followers. They yearn to be seen as different, elevated, better and divine. They are disconnected from the rest of us. It is only through this disconnection that their false sense of power exists.

False idols are committed to superficial pursuits and are driven by their egos. They appeal to the negative qualities inside of us such as greed, envy, vanity and feelings that we are not enough. It’s easy for us to be tempted by false idols, because much like the golden calf of the bible, they appear shiney and beautiful which is attractive to the superficial and egoic mind. The superficial mind however is never fulfilled hence why we continually partake in pointless worship.

When we worship false idols, we are left feeling empty, demoralised and worthless.

On the other hand there are role models. Role models contribute to our lives, they inspire us to be better, motivate us to improve and engage in two-way communication with the world. We learn from role models.. Role models appeal to our soul needs and although our soul needs are sometimes muffled by the noises of the superficial mind, they are much healthier and positive and when met lead to true fullfilment. You’ll know when your soul needs are satisfied because you’ll feel uplifted, loved and joyous.

Who are these false idols? They are reality TV stars (and their families), half-naked “Insta-celebrities”, social climbers, the “popular” group at school and anyone else who is worshiped based on superficial qualities.

The choice is yours who to praise but my advice to you is that if you’re not left feeling uplifted by the people who you worship then perhaps it’s time to shift your attention from false idols to role models.

Image Credit: Steven Klein, “Valley of the Dolls”

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Aug 01 2013
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STYLE

MEN OF DISTINCTION: JOSH THOMAS

Openly gay Australian comedian Josh Thomas could very well be the face of the modern gay man. His quirky character, hysterically crude yet witty personality, diminutive frame and awkwardly loveable mannerisms are the antithesis of the superficial muscleman image that permeates gay culture. But like most 26 year olds who are exploring their sexuality, Josh has had his fill of interesting experiences from coming out of the closet to dating his first boyfriend which he shares with audiences through his hilarious stand-up comedic routines.

Now the GQ Comedian of the Year Award winner brings his story to America in a 6 episode series entitled “Please Like Me” which Thomas created, wrote, starred in and produced. The laugh-out-loud funny and charming coming-of-age show is based on the actual painfully awkward events of Thomas, who is clearly going through a quarter-life crisis. The series follows him as he heads towards his 21st birthday and, in the span of 24 hours, is dumped by his girlfriend, Claire, realizes he may be gay and moves in with his mother, Rose, who has just attempted suicide.

Although it is a scripted show, Thomas didn’t hesitate to cast his real-life best friend and dog, John, to star alongside him. In another genius move, handsome Australian actor Wade Briggs is cast as Josh’s love interest. Although he may not be gay in real life, Wade Briggs convincingly plays the cool and homosexually adjusted jock Geoffrey. Gay viewers will be pleased to know that there are plenty of opportunities to see Briggs in all his glory and even naked in one episode!

This refreshingly honest series depicts modern gay life for a 20-something in a humorous and realistic way, choosing to focus on family, friendship and love as opposed to sex, drugs and parties, which will resonate with viewers gay and straight alike.

Pivot will launch the series with a binge marathon of all 6 episodes on Thursday August 1st at 8:00pm ET / 7:00pm CT.

To watch, click here.

Wade Briggs Gay Please Like Me

Wade Briggs as Josh’s love interest Geoffrey in “Please Like Me”

Josh Thomas Image Credit: GQ Australia

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Jul 11 2013
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PERSPECTIVE

MODERN GAY PERSPECTIVE: A MUSLIM MAN’S STORY (PART TWO)

Modern Gay Guide

In Part One of his story, our author describes his experiences as a Muslim man coming to terms with his homosexuality, dating and the gay scene. In the final chapter we find out more detail of our author’s relationships as well as an incident that he shamefully regrets which was the result of his previous dating experiences.

A few weeks later, I met someone else. We connected over our shared interest in spirituality. It also helped that he was extremely handsome but jaded by my previous experiences, I couldn’t understand why he was interested in me. We hung out, got along and got intimate and it was nice and the attention made me feel special. Obviously, there had to be a catch. He was an escort. While I don’t judge him for his choices, I couldn’t imagine myself being in anything but a monogamous relationship so I ended it.

A few months later I met someone again. By now, I had completely given up hope of dating someone but when it happened, I thought I should have an open mind. We went out for a few weeks and seemed to get along well but then he decided to break things off as I wasn’t “gay enough” for him. I still don’t understand what that means because for me as a man who’s attracted to other men and sees myself in a relationship with a man, that is what being gay is about. What it meant for him though was that I didn’t frequent the scene and he felt that if things became serious then he would never be able to meet my family. I can understand the latter but in retrospect it also showed a lack of empathy. My family comes from and still lives in a very conservative part of the world, which has no understanding of what it means to be gay. Homosexuality as it exists in Muslim cultures currently is not about orientation but sex. In addition, if you’re doing something that is not acceptable to the mainstream, the idea is to do it within the privacy of your home and not publicise it. This is also a culture where even admission of heterosexual pre-marital sex is disapproved so me coming out might not only mean complete rejection but also possibly assault (as has happened to someone I know by their father when he came out). Explaining my orientation and getting them to understand it requires time and patience. While I’m not there yet, I think by slowly coming out to people from my own generation I have made progress and allies for when I inevitably come out to them.

These recent dating experiences had left me distraught and emotionally exhausted. I had also drifted apart from several close friends, and was caring for some other friends who within a few months of each other had lost a loved one. Having no one else to speak to and feeling quite lonely and depressed, I slipped up and found an unhealthy outlet. I still can’t understand how it even happened but I created a fake profile on Grindr to find an escape. It’s too uncomfortable for me to even admit but all the loneliness helped me create an alternative reality quite easily, which I was easily able to sell to others on Grindr. Most of it was nothing more than harmless flirting; but there was one exception. As I admit to this, I am almost in tears. I started chatting with this amazing guy, N.T. and we connected over our love of Trance music. I can’t say enough good things about him. He’s so funny, kind and incredibly sweet that my alter ego and him became good friends. I could just unwind, joke and be someone else that I conveniently forgot that this would only cause both him and I pain in the long term.

However, as time went on I couldn’t ignore what I was doing. It was out of character, unhealthy and disgusted me because I was deceiving someone the same way I had been deceived. I sought professional help and it was suggested that instead of telling the truth, I disappear. But my sense of accountability prevailed and I finally came clean to him. Even in his anger and disappointment he was so kind and gracious to me and he listened to me as I tried to rationalise and explain my behaviour.

This is why I have such a heavy heart right now. If I had been less lonely and had the courage to be more open, I probably wouldn’t have done this. Writing this is my way of trying to articulate and explain to him what happened. N.T., I am so sorry that in my desire to forget my problems for a while, I lied to you and hurt you. You’re one of the few gay guys who made me feel like I was more than just my background and while I disappointed you, talking to you made me so happy and allowed me to share our love of music, be lighthearted, funny and laugh again. I can’t thank you enough for that. It couldn’t be more bittersweet and ironic that as you lifted my spirits, I damaged yours.

Sharing my story is also a request to gay culture to be a little more understanding and less harsh on its minorities. Yes, there are people who don’t fit your perceptions but they’re a minority within a minority. After dealing with cultures, which reject them for lack of understanding or tolerance, when they face another blow in what they assume is a safe haven damages their self worth even more.

If you would like to share your story, please email josh@joshvansant.com

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