Category Archives: PERSPECTIVE

Dec 05 2013
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PERSPECTIVE

10 PEOPLE YOU MEET AT GAY CLUBS

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No matter which gay club you visit throughout the world you’re bound to find variations of the same people. Here is The Modern Gay Guide’s list of the 10 PEOPLE YOU MEET AT GAY CLUBS.

1. The Party Boy

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“The Party Boy” comes in all shapes and sizes from the typical muscle jock who works out at the gym 6 days a week in order to look hot at the club to the skinny twink in gold short-shorts and the hairy bear, bound in leather. The one thing that they all have in common is that they’re probably shirtless and don’t have a full-time job to worry about come Monday morning. You’ll find them on the same dance floor every weekend.

2. The Fag Hag

Fag Hag Modern Gay Life

She’s the queen of the gays and everybody knows her name. Never seen in the company of other women, “The Fag Hag” frequents gay clubs with “her gays” and is often seen locking lips with party boys after downing one too many Jaeger shots.

3. The Bachelorette

bachelorette party gay sluts

Dressed in a white veil, clutching a sex toy and wearing a sash that says  Bride to Be, “The Bachelorette” and her bridesmaids love the novelty gay experience. They giggle uncontrollably as they rub up against the sweaty party boys on the dance floor and take thousands of pictures on their iPhones of semi-naked men whose chiselled bodies look nothing like their husbands’.

4. The Straight Guy

Taylor Lautner Gay

It’s 3am and all the straight clubs are closed. That’s when the straight boys head over to the gay clubs. There’s always a late night/morning gay club filled with revellers who eagerly anticipate the arrival of heterosexual meat. Sure you might score the odd straight guy pash or if you’re lucky he’ll be so out of it that you’ll take him home for some experimenting but guaranteed the next day he’ll freak out, swear he’s not a “fag” and you’ll never see him again.

5. The “I’m never coming back here again” Guy

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“I hate this place” he says as he enters the club for the fifth consecutive weekend. He sways from side-to-side on the dance floor as his party boy friends dance frantically so that all the other boys are aware that they’ve arrived. He buys himself a drink, makes a comment about how “there’s no-one here” and then leaves, swearing to never come back again. Until he does, the following week.

6. The First Timer

Gay Club First Time

For underage gay boys, the gay club promises to be nirvana – a magical place where all their wildest dreams will finally come true. They count down the days until they are legal or until they can find a convincing enough fake ID. When the day finally comes, they’re in their element, taking it all in (so to speak) like a kid in a candy store.

7. The Out-of-towner

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He has read about this place on GayCities or asked people on Grindr where the best clubs can be found. He’s written a list of all the clubs and bars to visit and ordered them according to the days of the week just to make sure he doesn’t miss any of the hot spots. You’ll notice him because he’ll be the overly enthusiastic guy talking to everyone, desperately trying to make friends and take home some of the local talent.

8. The Lone Ranger

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Possibly drunk, possibly still in the closet or possibly an out-of-towner, “The Lone Ranger” can be found prowling around the club by himself. The Lone Ranger constantly moves around to make sure nobody realises that he’s by himself. Alternatively, he’ll be found hidden in a discrete corner waiting to be picked-up by the first person that makes eye contact with him.

9. The Older Gentleman

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He’s been here since the doors opened. Thirty years ago. Although in his late 60s “The Older Gentleman” is not ready to forgo his party boy status.  While most of his friends have hung up their fluro bracelets and shark tooth necklaces, he’s still dancing to his own techno beat and there’s no sign that he’ll ever stop.

10. The Drag Queen

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She practically owns this joint and you better not mess with her otherwise you’ll be escorted out by a bouncer who looks like Shrek. Not only is she the hostess and the star of the midnight show but she’s the giver of free drink passes and sassy one-liners. “The Drag Queen” is never seen on the dance floor mixing with the commoners; she’s either in a private booth, backstage or posing for a photo with The Bachelorette.

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Dec 02 2013
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PERSPECTIVE

MEN OF DISTINCTION: TOM DALEY

Tom Daley Gay

In a move that is sure to excite gay men across the globe, handsome and nimble English Olympic diver Tom Daley released a video today on his Youtube channel revealing that he is in a relationship with a man, finally putting to bed the rumours about his sexuality. Although not officially coming out as gay, Daley explains in a candid and honest video the reasons why he has been so reluctant to discuss his relationships in the past. As a 19 year old sportsman, with a huge legion of fans and a public profile, Tom should be commended on his brave and inspiring actions.

No word yet on who Tom Daley’s boyfriend/lover/gay teammate may be but early indications from Facebook reveal that he’s already the most envied gay man on the planet.

Tom Daley Gay

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Nov 28 2013
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PERSPECTIVE

MODERN GAY PERSPECTIVE: OLDER GAYS AND YOUNGER BOYS

Willy-Vanderperre-Modern Gay

There is something disconcerting about older gay men enjoying the company of younger gay guys. While I realize that this isn’t a practice that is typical only to the gay community, there is something particularly unsettling about seeing a group of 60-year-old men socializing with boys 40 years their junior.

Recently I saw images of a group of gentlemen who were probably in their 60s, enjoying a spring day on a yacht surrounded by a dozen scantily dressed young guys who were no older than 23. The sight of the grey-chested men posing amongst the hairless bodies of the younger guys made me feel rather uncomfortable.  I wondered how these young guys had befriended the older men in the first place. I wondered how the older men were comfortable to be photographed in the company of guys who looked like their children. I wondered what the conversation would be like and I wondered what everyone on the yacht hoped to get out of the experience.

I never understood how young gay guys can be comfortable in these situations when they surely must be aware that the only reason they are included is to be the visual stimulation and sexual fantasy of their hosts. While I am completely pro intergenerational friendship, I find it hard to comprehend what a 20-year-old twink and a 60-year-old grandfather have in common. It would be wrong to assume that these boys don’t have legitimate friendships with these older gentlemen but the fact that they all looked adolescent, presented well in speedos and are known to be overly flirtatious makes we wonder on what grounds these “friendships” were formed.

Before you start accusing me of being a jaded, jealous gay I should make it clear that I critique these boys based on my own experiences with older men and women. When I was 18 years old and living on the east coast of America an older lady took me under her wing (so to speak) and taught me a thing or two about the female species. The only thing we had in common though was that her son and I both played football. When I was 19 years old I had my first encounter with a much older Southern gentleman who invited me to spend the summer with him on his plantation in Alabama. The only thing he and I had in common was that we both liked whiskey. Both these early experiences left a lasting impression on me. Although it was fun to be looked after and spoilt, there certainly was the feeling that I was indebted to this man and woman. The attention was exciting at first but that feeling quickly waned when I realized that these encounters were based on superficial characteristics and not on deeper, legitimate commonalities. They weren’t interested in my opinion or my values or my intelligence or my goals for the future; they were interested in something else.

When I was somewhat older and living in Milan I became even more aware of the older/younger gay man relationship. In Europe, particularly amongst the wealthier classes there is a culture of older married men having affairs with young handsome guys and in Milan there were plenty of rich old men and just as many young handsome guys. Although I never had any personal affairs with these men a few of my friends forged “special” relationships. I was often invited to join them and their older companions at complimentary dinners in extravagant restaurants, to sit at tables at the most exclusive clubs and to spend weekends lounging on yachts. This may sound appealing to some but for me they were uncomfortable experiences that I was unable to enjoy. To be frank, I felt like a prostitute. In return for my company I was offered food, alcohol and excessive experiences but there was always the underlying and unspoken expectation that at any time I would be called upon to offer more than my company. I couldn’t partake in this behavior and luckily I stopped it before I lost all of my dignity.

I wondered then and still do now, how some boys my age are so comfortable in these situations. Are they more confident in their sexuality or are they blinded by the gifts and attention? Are they ignorant to the real intentions of their older friends or are they willing participants? Why did I feel cheap and used while others seemed to revel in the company of older men? Maybe I have a stronger sense of dignity and self-worth or maybe I’m not secure enough with myself to enjoy the experience without worrying about the repercussions? Either way, I would suggest to any gay boy who finds themselves in a similar situation to ask themselves “what is this experience worth to me?”. If you’re happy to enjoy a free holiday in exchange for swanning around a pool in your speedos in front of 60-year old men then go for it but if you have the slightest intuitive doubt that something’s peculiar about the situation, rather stay home and enjoy the company of men from your own generation instead.

Image by Willy Vanderperre 

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Nov 06 2013
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PERSPECTIVE

MEN OF DISTINCTION: BEN COHEN

BEN COHEN MODERN GAY 3

The world needs more positive gay role models, homosexual men and women that LGBTI youth can look up to for guidance, hope and direction. The world also needs more straight allies, heterosexual men and women who take a stand against inequality, bullying and discrimination. The world needs more people like Ben Cohen.

Former English rugby union player, Ben Cohen has developed a global gay following thanks to his rustic good looks and well-formed athletic body but it’s his advocacy work against bullying that has earned him the greatest respect.  In 2011, inspired by his father Peter, who was fatally injured while protecting an attack victim, Ben established The Ben Cohen StandUp Foundation Inc., the first organisation dedicated solely to anti-bullying. The mission of the foundation is “to raise awareness of the long-term, damaging effects of bullying and to raise funds to support those doing real-world work to stop it”. As LGBTI youth are often the targets of bullying, the foundation has worked closely with the community by providing grants and assistance to various LGBTI organisations.

On his website Cohen says that “it is time we stand up for what is right and support people who are being harmed. Every person on this planet has a right to be true to themselves, to love and be loved, and to be happy”.

Handsome, distinguished, philanthropic and a straight ally, the world needs more people like Ben Cohen.

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Oct 23 2013
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PERSPECTIVE

5 MISCONCEPTIONS GAY BOYS HAVE ABOUT OTHER GAY BOYS

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And so the saying goes “the grass is always greener on the other side“. However, those who have actually taken the time to peer over the fence, will have noticed that this isn’t always the case. While it’s human nature to compare ourselves to others, gay boys seem to constantly benchmark themselves against other gay boys.  But is every other gay guy actually having a much better time than you?

In a bid to set the record straight, here are the 5 MISCONCEPTIONS GAY BOYS HAVE ABOUT OTHER GAY BOYS:

Modern Gay Sex Boys

1. Everyone is having more sex than you

You’re the only one not getting laid. While everyone else is having wild, passionate sex with handsome men all over the city you’re eating Ben and Jerry’s Choc Chip Cookie Dough and watching re-runs of Sex and the City.  If you’re in your early 20s you’re particularly worried that when you turn 30 your sex life is going  to shutdown faster than an Ed Hardy store.  NOT TRUE. A recent Australian study revealed that men in their 30’s have the most active sex lives amongst all age groups. If you’re in your 30s, don’t worry, this doesn’t mean that all your peers are out getting laid every night (it just means there’s a lot of sexually frustrated 20 year-olds).

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2. Everyone has been in a romantic relationship except for you

This one’s for all the young guys out there who complain that at 19 years-old they’ve never been in a romantic relationship. Boys, real life is not like an episode from Glee. Great relationships are actually hard to come by and don’t come with a pop soundtrack. When they do happen they’re amazing and the longer it takes to find one, the more you’ll appreciate it. Enjoy the journey and remember “you wont find love from someone else until you love yourself”.

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3. Everyone has a better social life than you do

Going out Tuesday-Sunday night does not make you a better person. It just makes you tired. While some boys are so stricken with FOMOOB (fear of missing out on boys) that they need to be on the scene nightly, the majority of people are happy to have a few nights in. We all have periods of time when we have no social plans and other times when we’re more popular than Lady Gaga on Twitter.  If you’ve got nowhere to be on Saturday night, don’t fret. Just grab a tub of Ben and Jerry’s Choc Chip Cookie Dough and put on Sex and the City.

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4. Your friends get more attention from men than you do

Whether it’s on Instagram, in the club or at the gym, you feel that your friends get much more attention from men than you do. The truth is that while you’re too busy focusing on the people checking out your “hot” mate, you’re probably missing out on the guys looking at you. As my grandmother says, “every jar has a lid” and you’ll miss finding your lid if you spend too much time  benchmarking your attractiveness against others. Stop comparing yourself to your friends and if you can’t do that, then make some new friends.

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5. Everyone else is happy

This is the biggest misconception that gay men, straight men, women, children and everyone in between share. Life is full of ups and downs and no living person is excused from the vast array of human emotions, good and bad. Unfortunately modern technology has allowed us to edit out the crappy parts of our lives and repackage for the public an image we wish to portray. It’s not often we see a picture on Facebook of someone after they’ve had a terrible day or fought with a friend or eaten a tub of ice-cream (Ben and Jerry’s) or had their heart broken. Social media is not real life. Sometimes though real life isn’t any better as we’ve  been conditioned to pretend that everything is ok.  In actual fact we’re often just as confused, anxious and upset as each other.

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Oct 11 2013
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PERSPECTIVE

5 WAYS THAT “MEAN GIRLS” IS LIKE GAY LIFE

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Mean Girls, the 2004 comedy written by Tina Fey was so much more than a story about four high school girls, it was a witty and intelligent portrayal of teenage life and the social issues faced by teenagers. Starring Rachael McAdams, Amanda Seyfried and Lacey Chabert, Mean Girls was particularly responsible for launching one certain person into popular culture. And that person was Glen Coco. It also starred Lindsay Lohan.

Surprisingly being a gay man is quite like being a teenage girl in high school and as such we can learn a lot about gay life from Mean Girls.

Here is the list of 5 WAYS THAT MEAN GIRLS IS LIKE GAY LIFE

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1. “I’m new. I just moved here from Africa”

Mean Girls is the story of Cady Heron, a young girl starting at a new school and navigating her way through cliques, personalities and the unspoken rules of adolescense. Slightly aware of her own attractiveness, she’s immediately spotted by the popular group and taken under their wing. The popular girls teach her their high school ways and after a while she becomes a fully fledged member, wielding her own manipulative powers. In the end personalities cross, truths are revealed and mayhem ensues.

And so too goes the story of young gay guys entering the gay “scene”. Unknown gay boy leaves the suburbs and moves to the big city. Slightly aware of his twinky good looks he’s immediately adopted by the popular gays who teach him the ways of partying, sex, socialising and cliquey-ness . After a period of intense drama, cheating and backhanded bitchniness the popular group falls apart and the young gay boy, having slept with way too many people returns home or is forced to move to a new city.

Modern Gay Mean Girls Cady Heron

2. “Being with the plastics was like being famous… people looked at you all the time and everybody just knew stuff about you”

Just like high school, the gay community can feel quite small and after a while everyone seems to know everybody’s business. There also exists that “popular” group of gay guys, or “scene queens” in gay speak, who everyone knows about. They seem to be perpetually on holiday (somewhere warm) and when they are in town they’re probably drinking cocktails at a fabulous restaurant or lounging in speedos by someone’s pool. Although you don’t know them personally, thanks to social media, you’re kept well updated on all aspects of their social lives.

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3. “I used to think there was just fat and skinny. But apparently there’s lots of things that can be wrong on your body”

Have you ever met a gay guy who is 100% content with his appearances? Probably not. Sure he might look like an adonis to you but chances are he hates his body. Whether it’s small calves, an underdeveloped 6-pack or a slightly less defined left arm, apparently there’s a lot of things that can be wrong with gay men’s bodies. No matter how much time is spent in the gym, we’re never content.

Lindsay Lohan Modern Gay Guide to Life

4. “On Wednesdays we wear pink”

If you want to fit in with other gay guys then you have to dress like other gay guys. This usually means dressing as “straight” as possible. Any sign of unique style or a shirt that’s slightly too flamboyant and you immediately become unsexable (and sex is the ultimate goal right?). Oh and always remember, in gay clubs we don’t wear tops.

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5. “Halloween is the one night a year when girls can dress like a total slut and no other girls can say anything about it”

Halloween for gays is more of an occasion to dress as your ultimate sexual fantasy than it is to  dress in traditional “scary” garb. This is often achieved by taking a mucho sport/profession/superhero such as policeman, footballer, pirate etc and making it as slutty as possible. Some may say that gays dress like total sluts on most Saturday nights but nothing is more slutty than a gay on October 31st. In Sydney there’s even a gay party called “Halloween Whores”.

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Sep 03 2013
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PERSPECTIVE

MODERN GAY PERSPECTIVE: RUSSIA

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“The most certain test by which we judge whether a country is really free is the amount of security enjoyed by minorities”

Lord (John Emerich Edward Dalberg) Acton, The History of Freedom in Antiquity, 1877

This post is not a political critique (although the above image would suggest otherwise) nor is it a call to boycott Russian products. Both those things have been addressed by people more powerful and smarter than myself. The purpose of this post is simply to draw attention to the good fortune that many of us take for granted. While our gay brothers and sisters in Russia have their rights stripped away, we in America, Australia, Canada, the UK and countless other countries have the freedom and security to demand even more rights. We take to the streets in large numbers, rainbow flags held high without the fear that we’ll be beaten by our own police or tortured by our fellow citizens. Our governments allow us the freedom to fight for equality even if they’re slow to respond. This isn’t the case for everyone.

While it may sometimes seem impossible to change the world, we do have the power to change how we personally view the world. Let the situation in Russia allow you to see the blessings in your own life. When you look at the bigger picture, the little things that seem to worry you the most fade into insignifcance. Money, cars, clothes, gym, parties, holidays – these things don’t matter to someone whose basic human rights are in jeopardy. Next time you’re at a gay venue, with your gay friends or holding hands with your boyfriend, take a moment to realise that those simple actions aren’t afforded to all men.

We also forget that the privileges and rights that we take for granted are often awarded to us by factors completely out of our control. I’ve often struggled with my life circumstances. I was born a healthy (white) baby into a well-off family, given the best education, had all my needs met, within a society that allowed me to express myself and I had absolutely no say in the process. Why’s that a struggle? I could have just as easily been born into poverty and ended up as one of the almost 1 billion starving people in the world, fighting to survive each day. By fate, or God’s will or the universe’s intention I was dealt the luckiest hand of cards before I even began playing the game of life.

It sometimes take external events like the current situation in Russia to make us realise the blessings we have in our own lives. Take a moment to reflect on what’s really important and perhaps you’ll realise that you are a lot more fortunate than you think.

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Aug 06 2013
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PERSPECTIVE

MODERN GAY PERSPECTIVE: A GAY GOD

Modern Gay David LaChapelle

“God” is a difficult and heated topic, one which I try to avoid. Everyone has their own understanding of what God is and if God ‘is’ at all and when these understandings conflict, intense debate often erupts.

For many gay men, particularly those who come from families who prescribe to a traditional religious persuasion, God is a concern that they cannot avoid. Rationalising one’s sexuality within the context of religion and what is wrong or right in God’s eye is an inevitable part of coming to terms with homosexuality for these men.

Coming from a home and educational system that was based on a Judeo-Christian belief of God, I was one such man. Although my view of God differs slightly today, the following is the rationalisation of my homosexuality from a religious perspective.

I was taught that we are all created in the image of God and that we are all God’s children. If you believe this then you cannot deny that gay men and women were created thusly so, by God, in his image. Denying gay men and women is directly denying God. Furthermore, God is perfect and therefore does not make mistakes. When God created gay men and women, it was no mistake. Denying gay men and women is therefore denying that God is perfect. God exists within all of humanity and therefore we each possess the same, identical Godliness within us. Denying gay men and women is denying the God that exists within you, the one God that exists in everything.

Obviously there will be religious people who believe that homosexuality is a choice and that the above rationale is therefore flawed but it’s futile to try convince them otherwise. Anyone who is gay, knows in their heart that their homosexuality was not a choice and that they were born that way either by divine purpose or through nature.

It is not our duty to try persuade our religious parents, teachers or friends to think differently but it is my belief, influenced by these parents, teachers and friends, that God loves ALL of his children and that’s all that matters to me.

Image Credit: David LaChapelle for Flaunt Magazine

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Jul 11 2013
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PERSPECTIVE

MODERN GAY PERSPECTIVE: A MUSLIM MAN’S STORY (PART TWO)

Modern Gay Guide

In Part One of his story, our author describes his experiences as a Muslim man coming to terms with his homosexuality, dating and the gay scene. In the final chapter we find out more detail of our author’s relationships as well as an incident that he shamefully regrets which was the result of his previous dating experiences.

A few weeks later, I met someone else. We connected over our shared interest in spirituality. It also helped that he was extremely handsome but jaded by my previous experiences, I couldn’t understand why he was interested in me. We hung out, got along and got intimate and it was nice and the attention made me feel special. Obviously, there had to be a catch. He was an escort. While I don’t judge him for his choices, I couldn’t imagine myself being in anything but a monogamous relationship so I ended it.

A few months later I met someone again. By now, I had completely given up hope of dating someone but when it happened, I thought I should have an open mind. We went out for a few weeks and seemed to get along well but then he decided to break things off as I wasn’t “gay enough” for him. I still don’t understand what that means because for me as a man who’s attracted to other men and sees myself in a relationship with a man, that is what being gay is about. What it meant for him though was that I didn’t frequent the scene and he felt that if things became serious then he would never be able to meet my family. I can understand the latter but in retrospect it also showed a lack of empathy. My family comes from and still lives in a very conservative part of the world, which has no understanding of what it means to be gay. Homosexuality as it exists in Muslim cultures currently is not about orientation but sex. In addition, if you’re doing something that is not acceptable to the mainstream, the idea is to do it within the privacy of your home and not publicise it. This is also a culture where even admission of heterosexual pre-marital sex is disapproved so me coming out might not only mean complete rejection but also possibly assault (as has happened to someone I know by their father when he came out). Explaining my orientation and getting them to understand it requires time and patience. While I’m not there yet, I think by slowly coming out to people from my own generation I have made progress and allies for when I inevitably come out to them.

These recent dating experiences had left me distraught and emotionally exhausted. I had also drifted apart from several close friends, and was caring for some other friends who within a few months of each other had lost a loved one. Having no one else to speak to and feeling quite lonely and depressed, I slipped up and found an unhealthy outlet. I still can’t understand how it even happened but I created a fake profile on Grindr to find an escape. It’s too uncomfortable for me to even admit but all the loneliness helped me create an alternative reality quite easily, which I was easily able to sell to others on Grindr. Most of it was nothing more than harmless flirting; but there was one exception. As I admit to this, I am almost in tears. I started chatting with this amazing guy, N.T. and we connected over our love of Trance music. I can’t say enough good things about him. He’s so funny, kind and incredibly sweet that my alter ego and him became good friends. I could just unwind, joke and be someone else that I conveniently forgot that this would only cause both him and I pain in the long term.

However, as time went on I couldn’t ignore what I was doing. It was out of character, unhealthy and disgusted me because I was deceiving someone the same way I had been deceived. I sought professional help and it was suggested that instead of telling the truth, I disappear. But my sense of accountability prevailed and I finally came clean to him. Even in his anger and disappointment he was so kind and gracious to me and he listened to me as I tried to rationalise and explain my behaviour.

This is why I have such a heavy heart right now. If I had been less lonely and had the courage to be more open, I probably wouldn’t have done this. Writing this is my way of trying to articulate and explain to him what happened. N.T., I am so sorry that in my desire to forget my problems for a while, I lied to you and hurt you. You’re one of the few gay guys who made me feel like I was more than just my background and while I disappointed you, talking to you made me so happy and allowed me to share our love of music, be lighthearted, funny and laugh again. I can’t thank you enough for that. It couldn’t be more bittersweet and ironic that as you lifted my spirits, I damaged yours.

Sharing my story is also a request to gay culture to be a little more understanding and less harsh on its minorities. Yes, there are people who don’t fit your perceptions but they’re a minority within a minority. After dealing with cultures, which reject them for lack of understanding or tolerance, when they face another blow in what they assume is a safe haven damages their self worth even more.

If you would like to share your story, please email josh@joshvansant.com

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Jul 04 2013
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PERSPECTIVE

MODERN GAY PERSPECTIVE: A MUSLIM MAN’S STORY (Part One)

Unknown Gay Man

The Modern Gay Guide to Life is a platform to share ideas about what it means to be a gay man in the modern world. We all have different experiences, come from different backgrounds and therefore have different perspectives. In the following two part true story a gay Muslim man shares his experiences with dating, the gay scene, religion and Grindr. 

I have a heavy heart tonight. I can’t help but feel sad and lonely as I write this but before I get into the cause of my heartache, I’d like to start from the beginning. I’d like to talk about another kind of gay man.

I was born in Pakistan to an orthodox Muslim family. My childhood was typical; I had a loving family who provided me with everything. I was like every other kid, but as I grew older I noticed my attraction to men. Something, which I didn’t understand because homosexual orientation as it exists in the West is not understood at all in my culture so there was no one to speak to. I didn’t think much of it until in high school all I heard was boys talk about girls but I couldn’t relate. I rationalised it to myself by saying that I was raised by a strong maternal figure and had close female friends so I looked at women more for their personality than their looks. I did, however, explore my sexuality a little thanks to online groups and met guys who were going through the same thing (even if such guys were hard to find since most Pakistani men, like other men seemed to be using such groups for quick sex).

When I was 19, I moved to Australia to study at university. Living away from home and everyone I knew gave me the chance to explore my sexuality but my social and cultural indoctrination got the best of me and I remained closeted. I did, however, meet someone and fell in love (or what I thought was love). He had a similar background but was older, more open and confident than I was, which I couldn’t help but admire. It was unrequited love though and while he enjoyed the attention he wasn’t honest enough to tell me up front that nothing was going to happen.  Obviously, it ended in heartbreak, shook my confidence and I retreated back into my own world and explored my feelings once again discreetly through the Internet. At that time, I was still convinced that I was bisexual and still dated women but it never went anywhere. I end up seeing a counselor at unviversity, who provided me with a space to explore my thoughts on my orientation, especially what it meant for someone who was Muslim. I went through periods of rejecting either my Muslim or queer background but with her help I was able to realize that I could be both, I just had to find a sense of balance within the two.

Around that time, I discovered an American organisation called Muslims for Progressive Values, that works on various issues such as the lack of support for LGBT Muslims, which is where I found my spiritual home. Listening to these people (even if they’re a minority) and striking a friendship with a prominent Imam, Amina Wadud, and hearing her thoughts on equality for queer Muslims helped me reconcile my faith and sexuality. I took baby steps and I came out to my brother, a few cousins and friends. The reactions I received varied from total support to severed relationships. My brother and my cousins while not entirely supportive evolved and tried to understand my position. I am still grateful for their response as they grew up in a conservative and sheltered environment where they never had to deal with an openly gay person. My Australian friends who I came out to couldn’t understand my need to be discreet because of my Muslim background but were supportive nonetheless.

That also gave me the boost to go out in the scene and try to make gay friends. In my naivety, I thought it would be easy and that for a minority, gay guys would be quite open-minded and accepting of each other. However, I didn’t realize how superficial the scene was and how I wasn’t considered “worthy” to befriend because being a person of colour and “unfit”, I didn’t fit the image of a desirable gay man. Some guys laughed in my face at the idea of me trying to be friends with them because of my looks. I was also ridiculed because I followed a faith most of them did not understand and considered violent and archaic. My experience in gay settings was almost entirely negative because I found guys to be cliquey, bitchy, shallow and snobby. I still persevered for a while and tried to make gay friends. Unfortunately, I wasn’t very successful. Slowly, I realized that I didn’t need to be a part of the scene and while gay friends would be nice, they didn’t have to be a priority. I have since met a handful of really nice gay guys through work and friends who have become good friends.

Eventually, I met guys who were interested in dating me but it still hasn’t been easy and at 28, I find it slightly disappointing that the longest I’ve been with someone is a couple of months. My first substantial dating experience was only in September last year, when I started talking to a guy on Grindr. He was intelligent, witty and funny and I couldn’t help being attracted to him. We got along well and started dating. Things, at least in my head, were going well and I could see myself being with this person long term. However, I didn’t know that he had a secret of his own. A couple of months later I realized how interconnected we all are. I was out with a few friends and met someone who was talking about his boyfriend who seemed suspiciously similar to my current flame. The similarities were so striking that the next time I saw him I mentioned it to him. He initially was in shock but then admitted everything; he had been with this guy for 5 years and while he still loved him, he also had strong feelings for me and wanted to explore things with me. Disgusted by the dishonesty and hating myself for being the other one, I ended things.

Stay tuned to The Modern Gay Guide to Life for Part Two when our author bravely admits the lengths he went to in order to try find love and the consequences of his actions.

To share your story please email josh@joshvansant.com

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