Tag Archives: Gay Boys

THE ONE GUY THAT EVERY GAY MAN NEEDS IN HIS LIFE

MODERN GAY BLOG STRAIGHT LIFESTYLE BLOG

There is a special type of man that every gay guy needs in his life. This type of guy is an essential partner who can make the arduous journey through life that that little bit more pleasant. He will be there to console you during your breakups, dance with you to cheesy diva music on a night out and offer you advice from a completely unique perspective. He is the type of guy that you can talk to about things you can’t with your other guy friends and although you may say, “I love you” to each other, it is a very different type of love. There is a special type of man that every gay guy needs in his life and that is a straight male best friend.

It takes a straight man with special qualities to bestfriend a gay guy. The first quality required is an unwavering comfort in his own heterosexuality. Whether he’s sharing a bed with you on holiday in order to save money or dancing on a podium next to you with his shirt off, doing things that are perceived to be gay does not faze a straight guy who is comfortable in his own sexuality. He will feel comfortable walking down the street with his girlfriend hand-in-hand while you walk next to him with your boyfriend hand-in-hand. He’ll hug and kiss you hello and tell you that he misses you when he hasn’t seen you in a while. He will easily blend into a social situation where he’s the only straight guy, not flinching when your gay friends are being overly flirtatious or affectionate and he’ll relish the fact that you introduce him as your “token straight friend”. For him, being around gay guys is not a threat to his masculinity. As a matter of fact, it doesn’t even faze him at all.

A straight best friend doesn’t see sexuality as a defining aspect of your friendship. You are not his “gay best friend” and he is not your “straight best friend”, you are just mates. This is the second essential quality. While some straight girls excitingly seek a gay best friend as some sort of glitzy, novelty accessory, your best mate loves you for so much more than your sexuality. You share similar values and similar tastes in music, sports, humor, books and fashion. Together you can talk about similar experiences in love, relationships, heartache and it doesn’t matter that those experiences are between different genders. Some of these guys may have been your best friends from a time before puberty, when your sexuality was still dormant while others you may have only met after you came out. In both cases your different sexual preferences were never a factor on which your friendship was forged.

Much like with any other friendship, the most important quality that a straight man must possess in order to bestfriend a gay guy is loyalty. It is loyalty that ensures the longevity of any friendship, it is loyalty that helps a relationship survive the ups and downs of life and it is loyalty that binds male friends as brothers. Loyal friends are those who will be there when the club lights are turned on and when the music stops playing. It is during times of personal crisis such as health scares, deaths and depression that a loyal straight friend truly displays his mateship.

Having a straight man as a best friend also provides balance to one’s life. They provide a sounding board on which you can bounce ideas, problems and concerns and receive advice back from a different viewpoint. Often if we spend too much time within our own community, surrounded only by other gay guys we can become caught up in the drama of daily gay life. Having a neutral, outside party with whom we can confer is important for ensuring not only variety but also one’s own sanity. A straight male best friend is also a reminder that in a world where we have been judged, teased and chastised largely by other straight males, there are those in our midst who love, support and care for us regardless of our sexuality.

Image by Olaf Blecker

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MODERN GAY PERSPECTIVE: MY COMING OUT STORY

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What would a gay blog be without a personal coming out story? Following on from my post “43 Lies I told myself while in the closet“, in my latest YouTube video I talk about how I came out to my parents and it may not be the way that you would expect.

There is no right or wrong way to come out of the closet. It can also feel like there may never be a right time. While I was out to my friends, sister and colleagues, I still found it difficult to tell me parents. Perhaps it was the fear of disappointing them or perhaps it was the fear of the unknown? It can be scary to reveal a significant part of your identity to the people you care most about but eventually there is a tipping point, a moment in time when keeping it a secret feels more daunting than telling the truth.

Click here to view my story on YouTube or to subscribe to The Modern Gay channel.

Image  by Yiorgos Kaplanidis

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43 LIES I TOLD MYSELF WHILE IN THE CLOSET

The proverbial ‘closet’, a dark place of shame, doubt and fear where almost every gay man and woman begins their journey. We keep ourselves locked deep in that closet, telling ourselves stories about why it’s safer inside than out. We tell these stories until the day comes when we have the courage to see them for what they really are, lies.

This is the list of 43 lies that I told myself while in the closet.

Modern Gay 43 lies I told myself in the closet

The Modern Gay has expanded to YouTube! Please subscribe to The Modern Gay Guide to Life for extended personal content and don’t forget to tweet me @moderngay so that I can answer your questions.

 

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57 THINGS I HAVE LEARNED ABOUT BEING GAY IN MY 20s

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They say that it’s in your 20s when you really learn who you are and who you want to be. While I don’t know yet if thats true, I’ve certainly learned a lot about myself, about other people and what it means to be a gay 20-something.

Here’s a list of 57 things I’ve learned (so far) about being gay in my 20s:

  1. Sex is not like it is in porn
  2. You don’t need to go to every gay dance party just because it’s a long weekend
  3. Sleeping with someone because you’re lonely won’t make you feel less lonely
  4. You will never find love when you’re desperate to be loved
  5. You can’t make people like you
  6. The best relationships start with someone being brave enough to say hello
  7. The more time you spend at the gym, the less content you will be with your body
  8. You’re happier when you’re eating carbs
  9. Brains, ambition, confidence and a sense of humour are harder to find than abs, biceps and a big chest
  10. Messaging your ex-boyfriend when you’re drunk on Saturday night is not a good idea
  11. Sundays are more fun when you’re not hung-over
  12. Devoting time to do charity will make you happier than only devoting time to yourself
  13. Gratitude is the key to happiness
  14. Don’t compare yourself to others
  15. You are not a real housewife of NYC or Beverly Hills or Orange County
  16. Everyone is just as confused as you are
  17. The people who you think have their shit together are often the most messed up
  18. The number of selfies you take is inversely proportianate to how good you feel about yourself
  19. “Liking” something on Instagram will never replace a compliment delivered in person
  20. The less time you spend on social media the happier you will be
  21. You don’t need to take your shirt off every time you’re in a place with more than 10 gays
  22. FOMO fades overtime when you realize that there’s not really much to miss out on
  23. Enjoy the moment
  24. Having a photographer take your picture does not a model make
  25. Wear what you want
  26. It’s better to be disliked for being yourself than to be liked for trying to be someone else
  27. You don’t have to have your life in order by 27
  28. Use your head and heart as often as you use your penis
  29. It’s best to leave some things to the imagination
  30. The most intriguing people are the ones you know the least about
  31. Happy couples aren’t always happy
  32. Not everything needs to be shared on social media
  33. Get over your slutty phase as soon as possible before you develop a reputation
  34. Sometimes mornings alone with Sean Cody are better than mornings in bed with some random
  35. Sleeping with straight boys is like drinking tequila, it seems like a fun idea at the time but you’ll regret it in the morning
  36. You may think you fell in love in Mykonos but it won’t last when you both go home
  37. Always wear a condom
  38. Your heart will be broken but it will eventually mend
  39. Don’t place your self worth in other people’s hands
  40. If you can’t find any gay role models, try to become one
  41. Surround yourself with people who inspire you
  42. It’s never too late to start
  43. Be careful who you send nude pictures to
  44. Snapchats can be saved
  45. You might make new friends but the best ones are those who have been there the whole time
  46. The guys you party with don’t necessarily have your best interests at heart
  47. If you’re feeling down, talk to someone, chances are they’ve felt the same way
  48. You can sit with us
  49. You don’t need to shave your chest hair
  50. Just because you love Gaga and Britney doesn’t mean you can’t listen to The Hives
  51. It may be in fashion but it doesn’t mean it’s going to suit you
  52. Bleaching your hair was a bad idea
  53. Plan for where you want to be in 10 years
  54. There’s more to you than your sexuality
  55. You are not better than anyone else
  56. Be kind to others
  57. There’s still so much you don’t know

Image by Sharif Hamza for VMAN Magazine

The Modern Gay has expanded to YouTube! Please subscribe to The Modern Gay Guide to Life for extended personal content and don’t forget to tweet me @moderngay so that I can answer your questions.

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MODERN GAY ROMANCE: DATE LIKE A STRAIGHT GIRL

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I have decided that dating like a gay boy has been quite unsuccessful thus far. In a bid to improve my romantic prospects, I’ve undertaken informal ethnographic research into a subgroup of the human species, a group that has long been committed to the procurement of suitable, long-term companions. Henceforth I have decided to date like a straight girl.

Straight girls, being a very goal-oriented species, know how to locate, persuade and secure a potential mate. As such there is much that we can learn from this mysterious group. First though, we must look at how straight girls and gay boys differ in order to broaden our understanding.

Straight girls feel the pressure of time in their late 20s. Gay boys feel like they’re 20 for the rest of time.

Women are well aware of aging and for those who want to have children, there comes a time in their 20s when they realize that their body clocks are ticking.  This pressure to find a partner and have children before it’s “too late” encourages single straight women to take stock of their lives, mentally mature and make any necessary changes to find a proper mate. Gay men on the other hand have no such pressure and therefore feel that time is limitless. As a result, we are never forced to really grow up and spend the rest of our lives acting like we’re still in our 20’s. Not having that moment in time to take stock of our lives means that we don’t stop and think what it is we are really looking for.

Straight girls are looking for men who can be daddies to their children. Gay boys act like children who are looking for sugar daddies.

Straight girls look for a partner that will be a suitable father to their children. They wonder if their man will be able to provide for his family in the future. Does he share the same values? Is he patient? Is he loving? Gay boys on the other hand are looking for guys who can provide for them in the moment. Does he turn me on? Is he hot? Is he good in bed? Personally, I would like to have children and hope to find a man that not only satisfies my needs now but who will also be a loving father in the future. I’ve realized that these kinds of men can’t be found amongst the headless torsos of Grindr.

Straight girls look for men with big ambition. Gay boys look for men with big…

Sexual chemistry is an important part of a relationship but it’s not the most important part. Many gay boys place too much importance on physical attraction, dating men with big biceps, big chests and big egos. After a while though the attraction wanes and the relationship fails. Then they repeat the cycle, finding a man of similar ilk and wonder why that relationship disappoints too. Long-term relationships are built on shared values, friendship, mutual understanding, love and patience and straight girls understand this. Straight girls look beyond the purely physical and are attracted to men with ambition, goals, intelligence, humor and other qualities that exceed the peripheral.

Straight girls look to build a home with their partner. Gay boys look for partners at clubs that play house music.

As a gay boy, there comes a time in your 20’s when you realize that gay clubs are all the same. Wherever you are in the world they tend to be filled with the same people (10 people you meet in gay clubs), play the same music and leave you with the same feelings at the end of the night.  Sure, they can be fun on the odd occasion but when you make clubbing the primary means by which to pick-up men, you are bound to be disappointed. Straight girls have realized that their future partner probably wont be found on a sweaty dance floor and those that have already found their significant other can attest that staying home is far more enjoyable than shooting tequila in a crowded club.

Straight girls know that promiscuity doesn’t lead to love. Gay boys think that being promiscuous will make them feel loved.

Many straight girls use their early 20’s and college years to experiment sexually so that by the time they are in their late 20’s they’re ready to settle down. They have learnt that one-night stands and drunken hook-ups don’t lead to long-term relationships; they lead to hangovers and heartbreak. It takes much longer for gay guys to realize that sexual intimacy doesn’t equate to love. Unfortunately for some guys that realization never comes. They find themselves in an endless loop of short sexual encounters, hoping that the next one will be the one that makes them feel loved.

As Albert Einstein said “insanity is doing the same thing over and over again but expecting different results”. If you’re looking for love and haven’t had much success in the past, then it’s time to rethink your approach. Straight girls certainly have the right idea, probably because they’ve had much more time to perfect the art of dating. Maybe it’s time then that you too dated like a straight girl?

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MODERN GAY PERSPECTIVE: COMING OUT IN IRAQ

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Coming out of the closet can be one of the hardest and most daunting moments in the life of a GLBTI person. Not knowing how your family and friends are going to react, coupled with the fear and vulnerability that comes with revealing something so personal and intimate can delay or even prevent a person from ever revealing their true self. While there is no right or wrong way to come out or a full proof step-by-step guide, sharing our stories can help others in similar positions. Here is a short story from Amir*, a young gay man from Iraq who asked to use this blog as a platform to share his experience.

This is my story. My mother and father broke-up when I was a child. I have always felt that I’m different and not like other boys. When I went to school I was always the weak boy and all the other boys called me a “fag” or a “girly boy”. My mom and my brother would say similar things. My brother used to hit me all the time, called me a “fag” and told me that I should be with girls. After a few years someone tried to rape me but I managed to stop him. When I told my mom about what happened she said, “you are the reason (it happened), you are the problem and I am so ashamed because of you”. I have always hid the pain inside of me. When I walked down the streets and heard boys calling me a fag, I smiled as if I hadn’t heard anything but I was constantly thinking about killing myself. My two best friends could always tell that I was different and when I told them that I was gay they were very supportive. I always thank God for them. I love them so much. After a few years I fell in love with a boy from my school but I didn’t tell anyone. Then I decided to come out to my family. I knew that I was probably not ready but I had had enough of the constant fear inside of me. I told my sister first. She wasn’t that surprised and she told me that I was too young to know what I like. Then I came out to my whole family. My mom said very horrible words to me and so I decided to kill myself. Luckily my two best friends called me and reassured me that death was not worth it and that there was still a lot of happiness waiting for me. I’ve always told my family that I will leave them one day and that I will live my life in happiness. Despite everything, I’m so happy now and coming out was the best thing I have ever done in my life. Now I’m waiting for my rainbow to shine.

*Names have been changed to protect the identity of the author

To share your story please contact josh@joshvansant.com.

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MODERN GAY PERSPECTIVE: OLDER GAYS AND YOUNGER BOYS

Willy-Vanderperre-Modern Gay

There is something disconcerting about older gay men enjoying the company of younger gay guys. While I realize that this isn’t a practice that is typical only to the gay community, there is something particularly unsettling about seeing a group of 60-year-old men socializing with boys 40 years their junior.

Recently I saw images of a group of gentlemen who were probably in their 60s, enjoying a spring day on a yacht surrounded by a dozen scantily dressed young guys who were no older than 23. The sight of the grey-chested men posing amongst the hairless bodies of the younger guys made me feel rather uncomfortable.  I wondered how these young guys had befriended the older men in the first place. I wondered how the older men were comfortable to be photographed in the company of guys who looked like their children. I wondered what the conversation would be like and I wondered what everyone on the yacht hoped to get out of the experience.

I never understood how young gay guys can be comfortable in these situations when they surely must be aware that the only reason they are included is to be the visual stimulation and sexual fantasy of their hosts. While I am completely pro intergenerational friendship, I find it hard to comprehend what a 20-year-old twink and a 60-year-old grandfather have in common. It would be wrong to assume that these boys don’t have legitimate friendships with these older gentlemen but the fact that they all looked adolescent, presented well in speedos and are known to be overly flirtatious makes we wonder on what grounds these “friendships” were formed.

Before you start accusing me of being a jaded, jealous gay I should make it clear that I critique these boys based on my own experiences with older men and women. When I was 18 years old and living on the east coast of America an older lady took me under her wing (so to speak) and taught me a thing or two about the female species. The only thing we had in common though was that her son and I both played football. When I was 19 years old I had my first encounter with a much older Southern gentleman who invited me to spend the summer with him on his plantation in Alabama. The only thing he and I had in common was that we both liked whiskey. Both these early experiences left a lasting impression on me. Although it was fun to be looked after and spoilt, there certainly was the feeling that I was indebted to this man and woman. The attention was exciting at first but that feeling quickly waned when I realized that these encounters were based on superficial characteristics and not on deeper, legitimate commonalities. They weren’t interested in my opinion or my values or my intelligence or my goals for the future; they were interested in something else.

When I was somewhat older and living in Milan I became even more aware of the older/younger gay man relationship. In Europe, particularly amongst the wealthier classes there is a culture of older married men having affairs with young handsome guys and in Milan there were plenty of rich old men and just as many young handsome guys. Although I never had any personal affairs with these men a few of my friends forged “special” relationships. I was often invited to join them and their older companions at complimentary dinners in extravagant restaurants, to sit at tables at the most exclusive clubs and to spend weekends lounging on yachts. This may sound appealing to some but for me they were uncomfortable experiences that I was unable to enjoy. To be frank, I felt like a prostitute. In return for my company I was offered food, alcohol and excessive experiences but there was always the underlying and unspoken expectation that at any time I would be called upon to offer more than my company. I couldn’t partake in this behavior and luckily I stopped it before I lost all of my dignity.

I wondered then and still do now, how some boys my age are so comfortable in these situations. Are they more confident in their sexuality or are they blinded by the gifts and attention? Are they ignorant to the real intentions of their older friends or are they willing participants? Why did I feel cheap and used while others seemed to revel in the company of older men? Maybe I have a stronger sense of dignity and self-worth or maybe I’m not secure enough with myself to enjoy the experience without worrying about the repercussions? Either way, I would suggest to any gay boy who finds themselves in a similar situation to ask themselves “what is this experience worth to me?”. If you’re happy to enjoy a free holiday in exchange for swanning around a pool in your speedos in front of 60-year old men then go for it but if you have the slightest intuitive doubt that something’s peculiar about the situation, rather stay home and enjoy the company of men from your own generation instead.

Image by Willy Vanderperre 

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5 MISCONCEPTIONS GAY BOYS HAVE ABOUT OTHER GAY BOYS

Modern Gay Male Models Life

And so the saying goes “the grass is always greener on the other side“. However, those who have actually taken the time to peer over the fence, will have noticed that this isn’t always the case. While it’s human nature to compare ourselves to others, gay boys seem to constantly benchmark themselves against other gay boys.  But is every other gay guy actually having a much better time than you?

In a bid to set the record straight, here are the 5 MISCONCEPTIONS GAY BOYS HAVE ABOUT OTHER GAY BOYS:

Modern Gay Sex Boys

1. Everyone is having more sex than you

You’re the only one not getting laid. While everyone else is having wild, passionate sex with handsome men all over the city you’re eating Ben and Jerry’s Choc Chip Cookie Dough and watching re-runs of Sex and the City.  If you’re in your early 20s you’re particularly worried that when you turn 30 your sex life is going  to shutdown faster than an Ed Hardy store.  NOT TRUE. A recent Australian study revealed that men in their 30’s have the most active sex lives amongst all age groups. If you’re in your 30s, don’t worry, this doesn’t mean that all your peers are out getting laid every night (it just means there’s a lot of sexually frustrated 20 year-olds).

Kurt Blaine Glee Gay Love

2. Everyone has been in a romantic relationship except for you

This one’s for all the young guys out there who complain that at 19 years-old they’ve never been in a romantic relationship. Boys, real life is not like an episode from Glee. Great relationships are actually hard to come by and don’t come with a pop soundtrack. When they do happen they’re amazing and the longer it takes to find one, the more you’ll appreciate it. Enjoy the journey and remember “you wont find love from someone else until you love yourself”.

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3. Everyone has a better social life than you do

Going out Tuesday-Sunday night does not make you a better person. It just makes you tired. While some boys are so stricken with FOMOOB (fear of missing out on boys) that they need to be on the scene nightly, the majority of people are happy to have a few nights in. We all have periods of time when we have no social plans and other times when we’re more popular than Lady Gaga on Twitter.  If you’ve got nowhere to be on Saturday night, don’t fret. Just grab a tub of Ben and Jerry’s Choc Chip Cookie Dough and put on Sex and the City.

Clueless Movie Gay Gif

4. Your friends get more attention from men than you do

Whether it’s on Instagram, in the club or at the gym, you feel that your friends get much more attention from men than you do. The truth is that while you’re too busy focusing on the people checking out your “hot” mate, you’re probably missing out on the guys looking at you. As my grandmother says, “every jar has a lid” and you’ll miss finding your lid if you spend too much time  benchmarking your attractiveness against others. Stop comparing yourself to your friends and if you can’t do that, then make some new friends.

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5. Everyone else is happy

This is the biggest misconception that gay men, straight men, women, children and everyone in between share. Life is full of ups and downs and no living person is excused from the vast array of human emotions, good and bad. Unfortunately modern technology has allowed us to edit out the crappy parts of our lives and repackage for the public an image we wish to portray. It’s not often we see a picture on Facebook of someone after they’ve had a terrible day or fought with a friend or eaten a tub of ice-cream (Ben and Jerry’s) or had their heart broken. Social media is not real life. Sometimes though real life isn’t any better as we’ve  been conditioned to pretend that everything is ok.  In actual fact we’re often just as confused, anxious and upset as each other.

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RULE NO. 20: YOU ARE BRAVER THAN YOU THINK

Jean-Francois-Carly

Nobody said that being gay is easy. You are constantly confronted by people who tell you that what you are doing is wrong, sinful, immoral and disgusting. You may have faced rejection from people important to you and all because of something that you had no control over. And yet you are still here.

You are much braver than you think.

Before you’ve even had the chance to “come out” you had to confront those daunting feelings inside of yourself.  The feelings of confusion, isolation and shame. You had to ask yourself “Am I normal?”. That took a lot of bravery.  As you grew older you may have been picked-on or bullied because other kids could tell that you were different.  It took inner strength to shield yourself from the taunting and to recover from the physical abuse.

Once you decided to share your feelings with another person you had to find the coverage to expose yourself, to be absolutely vulnerable without certainty of how they would react. That took courage that heterosexual people will never understand.  You then had to deal with the consequences of your coming out. This may have meant rejection from family, losing friends or being shunned by your community. That too, called for immense inner courage. And all the while you had to forge your own path with little empathy, guidance or direction from anyone else.

With all of the other crap that you have to deal, it’s important that you pause for a moment and realise the bravery and courage that you possess to have made it to this point. You are much braver than you think.

Image by: Jean-Francois Carly

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