Currently fixed on the first single “Get Lucky” from Daft Punk’s new album “Random Access Memories”
Sounds Like: The soundtrack to a futuristic 70’s porn movie
Enjoy while: Kicking back at an intimate sexy house party in The Hills at 3:00am
THE MODERN GAY GUIDE TO LIFE
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Tag Archives: gay
COUNTRY OF DISTINCTION: NEW ZEALAND
New Zealand has become the 13th country in the world to legalize same-sex marriage and the first in the Asia-Pacific region. On Wednesday night, the New Zealand parliament, backed by Prime Minister John Key voted on a bill to amend the 1955 Marriage Act.
New Zealand joins the following countries who recognise same-sex marriage:
Netherlands, Belgium, Canada, South Africa, Argentina, Spain, Portugal, Norway, Sweden, Denmark, Iceland and Uruguay.
More information click here.
Do you think that New Zealand’s bill amendment will encourage other countries in the region to follow suit?
Note: The original Marriage Act that was amended on Wednesday was the 1955 Marriage Act, not the 1995 Marriage Act as originally reported.
RULE NO.7: GAY MARRIAGE ISN’T EVERYTHING
Gay marriage should be legal. Period. But in the struggle for equality it’s important not to lose sight of the blessings we’ve been afforded as gay men.
When I was coming to terms with my sexuality I often wondered if there were any benefits to being gay as opposed to being straight. Sure, some might argue that sex is easier to come by or that gay men don’t have children so they have more money for themselves but neither one of these arguments convinced me. What finally helped me accept that being gay wasn’t all that bad was the realisation that society’s plan for what constituted a normal life did not apply to me. All around me, people were expected to date, go to college, find someone to marry, commit to a career, have children, buy a house, either stay married or divorce, retire and then die. This expectation of life was terrifying to me as I wanted to travel and meet new people and live in different cities and explore and have various sexual experiences. So when I realised that being gay was the key that unlocked me from the metaphorical cell of expectations, I began to look at my homosexuality in a whole new light. I could make up new rules for the way I wanted to live life, discover what really makes me happy not what I’m told will make me happy. All of a sudden life seemed like an exciting blank canvas on which I could paint my own picture with all the colours of the rainbow.
To this day, I thank God (or the universe or whatever you want to call it) for making me gay. This is the greatest blessing I have been given; permission to re-evaluate what is truly important to my happiness. That might be kids and marriage and a mortgage but if those things do happen in the future then at least I know that I chose them for myself.
So what does this have to do with gay marriage? While I support the fight for equality and equal rights 100%, I think it’ important not to lose the uniqueness that is intrinsically linked to being gay. Of course I want the same legal recognition as my heterosexual friends but I don’t necessarily want my life to look like theirs. If seen positively, being gay is so very special in that it allows us to look at the world and ask “how do I fit in here? Where is my place?”. When the ultimate goal for gays becomes to find a partner, marry and blend into society so that people don’t think we’re so different anymore, then I think we’ve missed the point. Furthermore, looking at the rates of divorce and depression, I would argue that marriage as it exists today isn’t actually an institution that I would like to be part of.
If you fight for gay marriage because you believe in legal equality for all then I salute you. However, the moment we try too hard to fit back into the “normal” mold that society has created or concentrate too much on blending in, we neglect the blessings that we were so fortunate to have been afforded when we were born gay.
Photo Credit: “Viva Las Vegas” by Matthias Vriens McGrath
Do you believe that homosexuality is a blessing?
RULE NO.6: HOMOPHOBIA IS GAY (LITERALLY)
Recent studies have shown that homophobic people may in fact harbor homosexual feelings and therefore respond negatively to homosexuality out of fear of their own emotions and impulses.
I believe that this research can be used to fight bullying of gay kids, teens and young men. Let’s dis-empower the homophobes by playing into their fears.
Follow me for a moment. What is homophobia? Homophobia is negative attitudes and feelings towards homosexuality. What are homophobes? Homophobes are people that possess these negative feelings and attitudes. If we can turn the tables around and put the homo onto the homophobes then perhaps they would be afraid of showing any signs of homophobia? If everybody knew that homophobes were actually closet homosexuals then these homophobes would be hesitant to outwardly bully people based on their sexual preference. Through a public awareness campaign in schools, advertisements and social media we have a possible solution to reduce bullying of young gay teens and men.
I honestly believe that bullying is one of the most challenging issues facing gay youth but it’s also one of the most difficult issues facing educators and parents. Bullying has been around for as long as there have been teenagers and it seems that pockets of teenagers will always pick on others no matter what steps are put in place to try prevent it. The approach I’m suggesting plays into teenagers fears, similar to anti-smoking campaigns play into adults fears i.e “If you smoke, you will get cancer” or for the homophobia example “studies show that people who bully gay kids may be gay themselves”. Now, I don’t mean to associate homosexuality with cancer but teenagers are a simple minded group, they just want to fit in and will do anything to do so. If we can exploit this need to be the same as everyone else then I believe we have the first practical solution to fighting gay bullying.
What do you think is the solution to stopping gay bullying?
(Read this Huffington Post article for more information on the studies of homophobia).
Photo credit: Jean-Francois Carly
MEN OF DISTINCTION: ADAM SCOTT
He may not play for our team, or any team for that matter (being a golfer) but Adam Scott has certainly made the sport that much more exciting. Today, the 32 year old became the first Australian to win the US Masters when he defeated 2009 champion Angel Cabrera of Argentina.
His good looks and athletic ability have certainly made me interested in golf for the first time since I was given golf clubs for my bar mitzvah when I was 13 years old.
RULE NO.5: YOU CAN CONTRACT HIV FROM SOMEONE YOU LOVE
One of the best things about having a boyfriend is choosing not use condoms. I’ve heard from friends of mine that they choose not to use condoms with their boyfriends after a certain period of time dating. They rationalise that they’ve been together for long enough that they can trust their partner but this is a grave mistake. A large portion of newly diagnosed HIV cases are the result of a person contracting the virus from a partner who did not know that they were HIV positive. You cannot assume that your partner is negative simply based on the period of time that you’ve been dating. He may not be aware of his own status.
When and if you decide to stop using condoms in your relationship it’s important to follow the Four T’s: Talk, Test, Test, Trust. This is the safest approach to ensuring you look after your health and the health of your partner.
I have copied the following information from the ACON website (an Australian health organisation established to promote sexual health for the gay community) as they explain the Four T’s best.
Some HIV negative men in ongoing relationships with other HIV negative men choose to have anal sex with each other without using condoms. At best this decision can help make the sex they have special, at worst it can increase the risk of either or both partners contracting HIV.
Choosing not to use condoms with a regular partner is a major decision. It’s not only a decision about the type of sex you have together, it’s a decision about how much responsibility for your sexual wellbeing you’re prepared to hand over to your partner. By choosing to have sex without condoms within your relationship you are saying to each other ‘I trust you with my health and safety’.
THE FOUR T’S
Step One – Talk
To safely stop using condoms within your relationship you need to be able to talk openly and honestly with each other about why you want to do it, what the potential benefits and risks might be, the ground rules for sex inside and outside the relationship and how you’ll deal with any problems that may arise.
If you come to an understanding with each other on all of these issues and still want to ditch the condoms you should then move on to Step #2.
Step Two – Test
Step 2 is for both of you to have an HIV test. You can do this together or separately. If you’re going to have anal sex without a condom you should both be totally sure you are HIV negative and aren’t going to put each other at risk.
If the tests for both of you come back negative, you should still continue to use condoms for 3 months before moving on to Step #3.
Step Three – Test
Step #3 is to get a second HIV test. If neither of you have had unsafe sex throughout the three-month period then the second test will confirm that both of you are HIV negative.
If this is the case and you still want to stop using condoms with each other you can then move on to Step #4.
Step Four – Trust
Step #4 is to negotiate a clear agreement for sex with each other and other people outside the relationship (if that’s what you’ve decided) as well as guidelines for dealing with any problems that might arise. Once these have been made clear you can then trust that you and your partner will stick by them.
If the two of you decide to stop using condoms for anal sex with each other remember it depends upon open and honest communication. The discussions you have about condoms and sex can help you understand each other better and build a stronger relationship
Photo Credit: “Viva Las Vegas” by Matthias Vriens McGrath
How have you negotiated safe-sex with your partner?
FRIDAY MUSIC FIX: DR DON DON
Currently fixed on “King of the stars” by Dr Don Don
Sounds like: A psychedelic weekend away
Enjoy while: Dancing around your room naked on a Friday night before you head out
RULE NO.4: GAY MEN SHOULD NOT CONGREGATE TOGETHER
Generally it is estimated that one in ten people is homosexual. I would suggest that this is a safety mechanism, designed by nature to stop gays from destroying each other.
My experience of being around too many gay men at once is rather negative. Before I go any further, I want to stress that I am a strong believer that one’s perspective affects one’s experience so the following observations may not be true for everyone. If that is the case, I would love to hear your thoughts.
It’s best to explore my argument with an example. There’s a local venue in my city that gay men frequent religiously on a Sunday afternoon. This particular venue has become quite the institution and is filled, no matter what the weather conditions may be, with gay men of various ages, persuasions and types. You would imagine that such a gathering would be open and friendly, and offer the potential to meet new people and mingle with old acquaintances. On the contrary. This venue is reminiscent of the school canteen (although everyone is a litter older and buffer). Boys are no less cliquey and judgemental than they were in high school. The lunch tables may be replaced with bar tops and the chocolate milk with $5 ciders but the atmosphere is just the same. It is an atmosphere of arrogance, separation, judgement and suspicion. Everyone may be tightly packed into the huge courtyard space but there is little communication between strangers and no sense of community that previous generations of gay men were known for. And what’s worse, it is as if by osmosis that I too act like one of these guys.
I’m not sure what it is that creates this disconnect between people. I’ve asked myself if perhaps it’s a phenomenon native to my city or if it’s because our communal insecure psyche is so strong when we’re gathered together. Or maybe we’re just inherently more judgemental and superficial than straight people? Whatever the reason may be, I leave the bar on a Sunday night feeling worse than when I arrived (and that has nothing to do with the amount of alcohol I’ve consumed). I promise myself that I wont be back the next week which is actually very disappointing when you think about it. We should be creating spaces that empower each other, that promote community and self-love. There are enough places in the real world where gay guys feel uncomfortable, what a shame it is that we’ve created gay spaces that make us feel the same way.
I was never one to frequent gay venues or to follow the gay social circuit. This was partly because most of my friends were straight and the few gay friends I had didn’t enjoy the “scene”. It was also partly due to the fact that I had lived in this city all my life and had observed the community from a distance, questioning whether I wanted to be a part of it or not. But when so many of my closest friends left me for exotic cities overseas I thought that friendlessness would offer me the opportunity to explore my local gay community. In retrospect, although I now know a lot more gay people than I did 5 years ago, I feel more insecure about myself when I spend time with them and find myself engaging in idol chatter more frequently than I did when hanging out with my straight friends. What’s more is that I haven’t actually made that many meaningful relationships with those guys that I have met. The best gay relationships that I’ve had in the past whether they be with friends, boyfriends or one night stands, were with people that I met outside of typically gay situations. Which makes me wonder “are gay guys in groups toxic?”.
Let me know your thoughts.
Are gay guys in groups toxic?
LAS VEGA(Y)S
Las Vegas tourism has launched a glossy new campaign targeting the gay travel dollar. These posters reminded me of my own experiences in Sin City…
If you’ve never been to Las Vegas then your perception of the place is probably based on movies such as The Hangover or Fear and Loathing in Las Vegas. After visiting Sin City in August 2012, I can confirm that these movies are indeed fair and accurate documentations of the kinds of debauchery that one can expect. There’s something about the mix of weather, people, alcohol and desert isolation that makes visitors crazy. After only 3 nights of intense partying, I was glad to have made it out alive.
I never had the inclination to visit Vegas. Casinos, breasts and fake Venetian canals never did appeal to me but when I was asked to be best man at my best friend’s wedding in New York, I knew that there was only one place to host the bachelor party. And if we were going to do Las Vegas, we were going to do it right!
As the only gay man in a group of 12 very straight boys, I surrendered myself to the reality that I would have to partake in many a “straight” activity over the weekend. It didn’t even cross my mind that there would be any potential for some gay quiet time, not that it bothered me. I quite enjoyed dancing with strippers on tables in nightclubs and having conversations with waitresses at restaurants. Though, a part of me was curious as to whether or not there was a side of Las Vegas that I was missing. A side filled with hot American boys who played for my team.
It was thanks to a stripper named Destiny (or Cherry or Chastity) that I was to be introduced to the other side of Vegas. Destiny had been flirting with me for a good half hour while sitting on my lap in our cabana at the Encore Beach Club. I had tired of the conversation and was becoming slightly unhinged by the amount of our alcohol that she was consuming. Obviously I would never normally do anything to sabotage the enjoyment of my straight friends but I couldn’t take any more advances from opportunistic girls who wanted to drink for free.
“I’m gay”, I announced bluntly over the sounds of Calvin Harris’ DJ set in the hope to deflect her from our cabana.
“Well then let’s go find you a man”, responded Destiny with a sense of child like eagerness and excitement.
Destiny dragged my by the hand and led me around the pool, which was overflowing with muscle men and half naked girls, indicating to the crowd with bizarre and obscene hand gestures that I was a homosexual. Much time had passed and I was starting to feel like the only gay in the village when Destiny spotted a handsome young chap amongst the sea of party people. We waded through the lukewarm water (which was a pleasant relief from the 49 degree desert heat) towards the young man.
“I’m Destiny and this is my gay boyfriend. You guys should hang out” explained Destiny.
And hang out we did. For the next 12 hours, me and my new Canadian friend explored the other side of Las Vegas. I didn’t feel guilty abandoning my friends because over the course of the pool party they too had found their own things to “do”. We ran around The Strip and hopped from bar to bar, party to party, pool to pool late into the night and the next morning until we parted ways and promised to stay in touch (which we all know never happens).
Overall my Vegas experiences was everything I had hoped for, and more. As best man, I had coordinated an epic weekend for my mates and we had certainly done it right with limos, tables, dinners, clubs, parties, girls AND boys. Everyone had fulfilled their expectations while some of us had our expectations surpassed.
You may be curious as to what else happened between me and the Canadian but as the old adage goes “what happens in Vegas, stays in Vegas”…..
What is your craziest Vegas story?
RULE NO.2: BE A ROLE MODEL
![JudgementDayPreview[6]](https://themoderngay.com/wp-content/uploads/2013/04/judgementdaypreview6.jpg)
Like most gay boys, I went through a period of prolonged confusion during adolescence. I would hook up with girls and try be one of the boys but neither felt right. What troubled me the most was that I didn’t fit perfectly within the gay stereotypes by which I was measuring my own sexuality. Constantly I would debate back and forth as to whether or not I was actually gay. My process went something like this:
I love acting which means I’m gay but Brad Pitt is an actor and he’s not gay.
I play right-mid on the school soccer team and I’m on the swim team which means I’m straight. Gay guys don’t like sports.
I think about other boys on the swim team which means I’m gay but everyone has feelings about the same sex at one point in their lives. Right?
I like fashion but I don’t wear tight shirts or short shorts.
At the time the only gay men that I had access to were those on television; the men of “Queer Eye for the Straight Guy”, Stanford from “Sex and the City” and that hairy guy who won the first season of Survivor. But I couldn’t relate to any of these men. There was nobody to look up to. I had no gay role models.
In the ’90s the limited gay characters that were portrayed in movies and television always seemed to fit similar molds; the flamboyant and fabulous gay, the bitchy gay, the promiscuous gay, the confused gay or the gay dying from AIDS. There were no positive examples of well rounded, happy gays who just got on with their lives. I never wanted to be like of any of these men nor could I relate to any of them which made my process of self acceptance that little bit more difficult. Beyond the movies there were no gay figures in pop music, business, politics or sport (other than Ian Roberts) or at least none that were actively discussing their sexuality.
Now is the time for the positive gay role model. I believe it is the duty of my generation to show the next generation of young men, struggling with their sexuality, how to be well rounded gay men in the modern world. I am grateful for the generations of men who came before me who fought for gay rights but the next fight wont be political or social but personal. It will be an internal fight. We will need to ask ourselves “now that I have rights, now that the stigma around homosexuality has been somewhat lifted, what does it mean to me to be a gay man?”.
We need as many role models as possible to lead this fight so that young gay boys have positive examples of homosexuality, men from whom they can learn so that eventually there will be less and less boys struggling with their sexuality.
Who are gay men that you look up to?
Photo Credit: Judgment Day by Troy Dunham & Jeff Eason
THE MODERN GAY GUIDE TO LIFE 