Currently fixed on “La Foret” by Lescop
Sounds Like: Brooklyn indie pop but in French.
Enjoy while: Eating a baguette. Wearing a beret. Sampling foie gras or doing anything else stereotypically French (like marrying your French boyfriend because same-sex marriage is legal in France!).
Throughout puberty I wondered “why am I gay?”
Before Lady Gaga confirmed that she was born this way, before Kurt Hummel vocally expressed his problems 3 octaves higher than most 16 year old boys and before any celebrity promised that it would get better, I was a confused teenager trying to understand why I was gay.
Attending a conservative private school that prescribed to a certain Judeo-Christian religious persuasion, homosexuality was merely a subject in a health book that was superficially brushed over one afternoon in grade 9. This particular book claimed that teenagers often experienced passing attractions to the same sex as a byproduct of hormone release. I wished that when the hormones stopped releasing so would my my same-sex attraction. It wasn’t to be.
Needless to say, my understanding of homosexuality was rather limited.
Furthermore, my belief and comprehension of God was shaped by my educational institution and by all accounts, God didn’t approve of gays. So why did he make me gay?
At first I thought he was punishing me for something I may have done before I was even born. Perhaps my soul was intrinsically bad and therefore I needed to suffer the burden of being gay as a form of repenting? The future seemed very daunting.
Then I was told by a religious teacher that God doesn’t hate homosexuals but he hates the sins that homosexuals commit. Was loving another person of the same sex a sin even though it felt so natural? So, I rationalised that it was to be my test in life to resist all homosexual temptations, thoughts and desires no matter how right they felt.
In my later high school years l began to consider that perhaps God had made me gay not as punishment nor as a test but because he knew that I could handle the pressure. Other boys might not have been able to cope with life as a homosexual. I was grateful that I, a strong willed, confident boy with supportive friends and a loving family was made gay instead of someone less fortunate who may have found themselves in the same predicament.
When my faith in God began to wane, as it does for most who’ve attended a religious school, I searched for other answers to my big gay question. Did my upbringing have an impact on my sexuality? I had read somewhere about childhood trauma and troubled upbringings affecting sexual development and causing homosexuality. Reflecting on my childhood there was absolutely nothing that could have adversely affected me either obviously or subconsciously. I grew up in an “ideal” environment with parents who were besotted with each other, who provided their children with love, support and unnecessary material possessions. I had an amazing relationship with my mum and dad and my sister was one of my best friends. We lived in an affluent area, participated in extracurricular activities too many to name, traveled often, spoke openly about our dreams and fears and comforted each other when the family dog died. My friends even commented on how “extraordinary” my family life was. Surely this wasn’t the cause of my homosexuality?
During this period of questioning I had some dark days. Days when I wondered what was the point of it all. Maybe it was better not to be than to be gay? Luckily these days were few and far between but I know that others have suffered more deeply with their own feelings of confusion and questioning.
In the end, I found the answer. I was born this way. It never crossed my mind that it was a choice; that in some way I had chosen to be gay. What teenager would choose such a challenging path? I was born this way. My upbringing was not the cause, my soul was not bad and I definitely wasn’t being punished. I was born this way. It’s as simple as that. There is no other reason or further questioning needed.
I hope that by sharing my experience, others who are going through or have been through this process will see that a part of self-acceptance is undergoing a period of questioning. The greatest relief is discovering and then believing that you are the way you are because that is the way that God or nature or the universe intended you to be.
Read Rule No.1: There are no rules (except for one)
Photo Credit: Benjamin Eidem by Stefan Zchernitz
From the moment you turn the first page of “Poolside with Slim Aarons” you are transported to a glamorous and carefree world, where the pool is the universe, the people are the stars and the colours are nostalgic. Slim Aarons captures private moments in time from the pools of the super rich and famous. It is through these brief but expressive moments that the viewer is allowed a limited and curious peak into a life that only the most privileged have ever experienced.
The men and women in Slim Aarons’ images embody a sexuality and beauty that has long been lost in these modern days of plastic surgery, gym toned bodies and super skinniness; there’s a refreshing lack of self consciousness.
Three pages in and you begin to fantasise about sipping mojitos poolside in Palm Springs. You start to form fabricated memories of a life you may have once lived in a villa in Positano or a summer retreat in Mexico. And this is why “Poolside” is one of my favourite books – it truly provokes the imagination. It allows you to create a story, one in which you’re the main character, sitting poolside in the life of your dreams.
Purchase the book here: Amazon.com
Currently fixed on the Cyril Hahn remix of “Say My Name” by Destiny’s Child.
Sounds Like: Early 2000’s Destiny’s Child, after taking acid.
Enjoy while: Trippin’ balls.
I’ve coined a new disorder that affects many gay men. It’s called “Late On-Set Adolescence” and although I’m sure someone has already conducted a study into this phenomenon, I think that it is still widely undiagnosed.
“Late On-Set Adolescence” (LOA) is the result of gay men having to hide their sexuality throughout their formative development years and missing out on the same experiences as their straight counterparts (sexual exploration, dating, forming friendship groups with likeminded peers etc). In doing so they experience a self-identity growth period that is not indicative of their true self. Whey they finally come out of the closet, they go through a second adolescence whereby they learn about their sexuality, experience sexual contact with the same-sex for the first time, begin dating, find similar friends, go out to gay venues, become more focused on their appearance and experiment with drugs etc. This may happen when they are 18 or 25 or 35 or 50 but for most gay men I know who have been closeted, it does happen at some stage. During this stage, gay men often find themselves drawn to other men who are experiencing LOA and this is one of the reasons that you see groups of friends who are of mixed ages; the 30 year old who socialises with 18 years olds, the 50 year old who hangs out with guys in their ’20s.
LOA is a period of experimentation and self discovery that gay men must experience. It can be an amazing time for growth and self acceptance but conversely, just like acne during puberty, there are down sides. Some men become fixated with “making up for lost time” and take their sexual experimentation to a whole new level, sleeping with many different partners and becoming obsessed with the pursuit of sex. Although I am a strong advocate for (safe) sex and sexual exploration, I believe that any excessive behaviour is unhealthy and detrimental to one’s happiness.
Also, during this period one might see gay men become cliquey and “bitchy”, enjoying the drama that comes with dating, sleeping around and making new friends. Often their social lives become reminiscent of a high school playground with cattiness, drama and fighting. These traits are particularly unpleasant and contribute to the stereotype of gay men being bitchy queens.
For many, this period is short lived as they move into the next phase of deeper “inner” self discovery. The problem arises however when gay men become stuck in LOA, when they sacrifice ambition for trivial pursuits such as time in the gym or on the dance floor or finding their next sexual conquest. They may mature in age but they seem to always be chasing the next guy who is experiencing LOA (perhaps in order to avoid growing up and facing the next stage of develpment?). You’ll notice these guys as the 30/40 somethings who still dress like teenagers (revealing singlets, short shorts, baseball caps and high tops) and always appear to be dating or surrounded by younger guys.
The cure for LOA is self-acceptance as soon as possible. Gay boys should be encouraged to experience adolescence when it was intended for them to do so. The most well-rounded gay men that I know are the those who “came out” the earliest or didn’t need to come out at all. As society becomes more accepting of homosexuality, it is my hope that more gay men learn to accept their sexuality at a younger age and eventually LOA will simply be ‘A’.
Photo credit: Willy Vanderperre
34 year-old American NBA player, Jason Collins has revealed in an interview with Sports Illustrated that he is gay. Collins is the first active player (he’s played for the Boston Celtics and Washington Wizards) from any of the four major US men’s professional sports leagues to publicly come out of the closet.
“I’m black. And I’m gay. I didn’t set out to be the first openly gay athlete playing in a major American team sport. But since I am, I’m happy to start the conversation,” Collins said. “If I had my way, someone else would have already done this. Nobody has, which is why I’m raising my hand.”
Collins has now become a role model for gay youth not just in America but throughout the world. Hopefully his bravery will be an inspiration for other closeted athletes to publicly come out and show young gay boys that being gay need not affect your life or your career. As I’ve always said, the world needs more positive gay roles models like Jason Collins (read Rule No.2).
More information here.
Currently fixed on “Recover” by Chvrches
Sounds Like: Electro-pop goodness at its best
Enjoy while: running around the backstreets of an industrial zone of your city, late at night, after leaving an epic warehouse party where you had a fight with your boyfriend who subsequently disappeared and you need to find him to tell him that you’re sorry and that you love him while you kiss and embrace under the dim light of a broken street lamp but you’re not sure if you’ll ever see him again and it’s killing you inside.
“Wont somebody please think of the children?” – Helen Lovejoy
Just like Helen Lovejoy, politicians, religious leaders and all those who oppose same-sex marriage claim that their first and most important concern is ‘the children’. They stand by their convictions on the claim that they are protecting ‘the children’ from the malevolent force that is homosexual parents. They argue that same-sex couples cannot provide for ‘the children’ in the same way that heterosexual parents can. That children need a mother and a father. But what about straight single parents? Children who have lost a parent? Should we ban unmarried, single women from having children or take back a child when he or she looses a parent by misfortune or divorce? Clearly, this argument is flawed.
Once they’ve emotionally exhausted themselves by thinking of all the wrongs that same-sex couples will do to the aforementioned children, they move on to their next argument; same-sex marriage will destroy the moral fabric that holds society together. In essence, if men can marry men, they claim, then what’s next? A man marrying a horse? Well I’ve done my research and it appears that men have already been afforded the right to marry their equine lovers. Surely it’s time for the gays?
The problem with all arguments put forward by the opposition, and the reason why they’ll eventually loose the debate, is because they aren’t saying what they really want to say. They aren’t basing their argument on their true belief and that is that those who oppose same-sex marriage oppose homosexuality. The real reason that they do not want same-sex couples to be afforded the same rights as heterosexual couples is because they fervently disagree with homosexuality. Obviously they never raise this point in public debates and forums because it sounds much more heroic to fight against same-sex marriage on behalf of the innocent children than it does because of your own personal feelings towards the people it will effect.
I look forward to being part of an honest debate, one whereby the issues are discussed honestly and openly, though I doubt we’ll ever hear a politician openly state “I don’t support same-same marriage because I don’t like gays”. It’s not very modern to publicly talk about your opposition to homosexuality and anyway, people sympathise much more with the plight of ‘the children’.
In the end though, there is no moral or ethical reason why same-sex marriage should not be legalised just as there is no moral or ethical reason why women should not be allowed to vote, or couples to marry within different racial groups and look how that turned out.
On Tuesday, France became the 14th country in the world to legalise same-same sex marriage, a week after the New Zealand government voted to have their marriage bill amended.
Unlike New Zealand, where there was strong support for same-sex marriage, polls show that the French are deeply divided on the issue. The bill, which will also give gay and lesbian couples the right to adopt children, will only become law when it is signed by President Francois Hollande. Although a popularity slump has left the president with one of the lowest approval ratings of any French president, it is believed that Mr Hollande will support the bill.
Vive La France.
When do you feel the worst about yourself?
At the gym?
When you check Instagram or Facebook?
When reading gay men’s magazines?
When you’re at a nightclub?
When you log onto Grindr?
When you hang out with certain “friends”?
When watching porn?
Why don’t you….
Change gyms? Or try yoga?
Delete Instagram? Unfollow certain people? Limit your time on Facebook?
Read a book instead of buying a magazine?
Do something different on a Saturday night? Stay in with one person you really like and watch crappy TV?
Delete Grindr? Approach the hot guy in the street?
Stop spending time with people who make you feel bad and make new friends?
Watch an inspiring lecture online instead of porn? Ted.com is a good place to start.
It can be hard to pull yourself away from things that make you feel bad. Some may call it an addiction to pain while others may say it’s a result of self loathing but whatever it may be it’s certainly something that we’ve all experienced. The knowing that you’re making yourself feel worse but being unable to stop yourself. The worse you feel, the more you do it. Does this sound familiar?
Challenge: For one week DO NOT log onto Instagram or Facebook, DO NOT go out to clubs, bars or social venues you frequent regularly (unless they make you happy), DO NOT spend time with anyone who has made you feel bad in the past , DO NOT use Grindr and DO NOT look at porn. I did. And after one week the results were amazing. I felt more relaxed, less anxious and most importantly my self-esteem was lifted. This may sound like a late night infomercial but the only thing I’m selling is an easy approach to increasing your happiness (and it’s free).
There is much scope for discussion on this topic but in the meantime, take an inventory of all the things that lower your self-esteem or make you feel bad about yourself and for one week, just one week, commit to not indulging in any of them. Let me know the outcome.
What makes you feel bad about yourself? Did avoiding these things for a week make you feel any different?
Photo Credit: Baptiste Radufe by Serge Leblon
THE MODERN GAY GUIDE TO LIFE 